Guest Post: The Benefits of Pay For Sex

I’m not quite ready to go public with my identity in front of the millions of readers of DoNotDisturb and I fear that my teenagers might stumble on this blog and realize that  their parents have had sex more than the 4 times that produced offspring.  That being said, I appreciate the opportunity that Justin and Megan have given me to be a guest blogger.

I came to a startling realization in the last two weeks.  My wife and I pay for sex, and that’s ok.  We don’t pay for sex in the traditional way that the title of this blog brings to mind.  But I have come to the realization that my wife and I spend money in order to have a better sex life, and as a result a healthier marriage.

A few weekends ago, we were out of town for one night.  We took along our middle schooler and our high schooler.  The norm in our family when we travel is to all cram into one hotel room because I’m cheap.  On this night, I decided to splurge and  get a room for the kids so that my wife and I could have a room to ourselves. It was a great decision because the reality is that we have better sex in a hotel.

This past Saturday my wife and I made plans to go on a date.  Typically we would buy the kids a pizza to have at home while we went out to our favorite restaurant.  This time we did something different.  We gave the kids money and sent them to a restaurant that was twice the cost of ordering pizza.  After they left, we had a thought…. a very good thought.  Instead of having sex at the end of our date night, why not start the night with sex since the kids were out of the house.  It was a great decision because the reality is that we have better sex in our own bed when there are no kids in the house.

While the title of my blog is intended to be a bit provocative, spending money on your marriage and particularly your sex life is a good thing.  It doesn’t have to be  spending money on a hotel room or sending the kids to dinner.  It may be buying a piece of sexy lingerie or a bottle of massage oil or whipped cream and strawberries or having a romantic dinner out.  The point is that we invest money (and time) into what matters most to us so it makes sense to invest money (and time) into sex lives.

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Discuss with your spouse:

1. What are one or two things we regularly pay for that we can spend less on so that we can better spend it on our sex lives?

2. What are some ideas as to how we can use this money to pay for better sex over the summer?

Tidbits: Intimacy in the fast lane

Here at Do Not Disturb Blog we want to provide encouraging, helpful and practical ideas to strengthen your marriage in three core areas: friendship, unity and intimacy. Growth in any of these areas won’t occur without concentrated efforts and a certain amount of quality and quantity time. However, we believe that doing small things on a regular basis has the ability to make a big difference. From time to time we want to offer “tidbits” (small suggestions) to give you ideas of how to connect with your spouse.

For today we offer our first ever tidbit for intimacy in the fast lane.

Consider discovering or creating sexual nostalgia with your spouse.

Sexual nostalgia is the term we use to encourage couples to create sexual memories together. Whether it’s a place you longingly remember having sex, a position or perhaps even a tantalizing scent, creating sexual nostalgia with your spouse can be a quick way to get yourself thinking about your spouse sexually and about the next time you will connect.

Why not give it a try tonight. Give a long, passionate kiss in the hallway. Have a good old fashioned make out session on the couch. Do something even more spicy in the bedroom then use your memory to recall that connection tomorrow, and the next day and the next. That memory will become sexual nostalgia for your marriage, a great way to connect intimately with your spouse.

Intentional Sex?

For many people this definition isn’t exactly what they would consider passionate or romantic. Yet, we believe there is a certain appeal to intentional sex. Here are three quick reasons why it might be beneficial to be more intentional about sex in your marriage.

1. You just may find yourself having more sex.

One of the biggest libido zappers and road blocks to a satisfying sex life is being overwhelmed, tired and stressed out. Plopping into bed with only the thought of sleep is pretty common. Perhaps sex is on the mind of one spouse but the other is just too tired and wants a rain check….regularly. Being intentional about sex (read: not legalistic) can benefit the overworked and over tired couple.

If you intend to connect with your spouse in the evening you can choose to think about it all day. You can practice mindfulness in how you use your energy, choosing to save some for the bedroom. Intending to have sex at the end of the day can be a good incentive and can be considered a reward.

2. You may find yourself more present during sex.

Preparing your mind and schedule for sex can serve to help clear your mind in order to help you be more present during sex. You’ve already thought through the pressing daily activities, you’ve made it through your day and you know what to expect tonight. If you find it helpful, spend time in conversation with your spouse to release the remnant stray thoughts but if you’ve spent your day thinking about and preparing for sex, chances are there are less mental worries pressuring your mind.

3. Having sex more regularly with a greater sense of presence can produce a positive sexual cycle.

You’ve intentionally made time for sex. You’ve cleared your mind and schedule to connect. You’ve made an effort to be more aware and present during sex. Chances are, if you’ve done these things sex was more fulfilling and satisfying. The more fulfilling and satisfying sex is the more you may want it. Keeping the positive cycle going because of intention, sounds like a good idea.

“…if we’re not intentional about pursuing God’s best for our marriages, and grasping the tremendous role intimacy plays in that relationship, what was intended to be deeply enjoyed – a passionate, life giving love affair…alight with laughter, fiercely protected, and drenched in freedom – becomes a stuffy, awkward thing to be endured.” ~ Joy McMillan

5 Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #5 Create Opportunities

It was Saturday morning, and Sarah took the opportunity to sleep in.  But when she woke up she realized that something was different.  The house was quiet.  Too quiet.  What exactly were her husband and their three little ones up to?

She quickly rolled out of bed only to see a small post-it note on the bedroom door.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 7.59.12 AMSarah almost couldn’t believe it.  First, Jason took the responsibility to take care of the kids and get them to bed so she could enjoy an evening out with friends.  Then he somehow quietly got them up, fed, dressed, and out the door on a Saturday morning so she could sleep in!  She giggled a little as she walked into the kitchen when she saw another note:

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.03.29 AMThis was turning out to be too good to be true!  She poured a cup of coffee and began to sip it.  But soon her mind began to wander.  “Did Jason have the grocery list?  Was he going to get everything needed?  Did he get the extra car seat into his car?”  After a few minutes she decided to not think about those things anymore and just enjoy the quiet.   After pouring her second cup of coffee she picked up her phone and began scrolling through her Pinterest account.  And that’s when she saw a third note.  This one stuck onto the back of her phone.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.09.22 AM“That’s strange,” Sarah thought.  “Jason knows I rarely eat breakfast.  What exactly is he up to?”  Strange as it was, Sarah couldn’t hold back her curiosity.  She nearly spilled her coffee as she ran into the kitchen and opened up the oven.  There was a small wrapped package inside, with yet another note.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.20.18 AMSarah honestly didn’t know what to think.  So she didn’t think, she just ripped open the package as fast as she could.  The box wasn’t overly sturdy, but Jason had wrapped the entire thing with duct tape.  “That’s not cool, Jason…not cool at all!” Her shout echoed through the quiet house, so much so that she giggled for getting so wound up.  After 5 minutes of carefully removing all of the tape she finally got the box open.  At first she didn’t see anything in the box.  She checked it again.  And again.  She even took time to see if there was anything stuck to the tape.  After a minute she re-read Jason’s final note. His message was quite clear.  There was nothing in the box.  Nothing.  And she couldn’t wait for him to get home so she could try it on.

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Sexual freedom in marriage isn’t just something that happens.  It’s something that you take opportunities to create.  And re-create.  And re-create again.  If you don’t, it’s the kind of freedom that may be there in one season, and gone the next.  But if you do, it’s something that will last throughout your entire marriage.  It won’t go away in your 40’s.  Or 50’s.  Or 60’s.  It’s something you’ll regularly experience well into your retirement years.  And it will continually get better.  And better.  And better.

Throughout this series we’ve offered a number of ways to sustain sexual freedom in marriage.  In this final post, we’re going to offer a few final thoughts.  How can you sustain sexual freedom in your marriage?  You can regularly create opportunities to experience it.

1. Offer sexual surprises:

Surprises are like people.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  The more you get to know your spouse, the more you will learn the best ways to surprise him/her.  Sure, little post-it notes and packages with nothing in them are one way to offer an occasional surprise.  But there are other things you can do to regularly communicate you’re looking forward to freely expressing your love to your spouse as well.  Some of these ideas include:

  • Offer a sexual tell

You may decide to have a “secret” code to communicate to your spouse that you’re ready to connect.  It could be anything.  Anything at all.  Some couples use a small item that they creatively hide in places they know they’re spouse will find.  For example, a wife may hide a small stuffed animal her husband bought her early on in their marriage.  She’ll “conveniently” leave this in his lunch, car, or cereal box as a way of saying, “I want you…tonight!”  Or a husband may hide an old watch she bought him while they were still dating.  Whenever this secret item shows up, you know to begin thinking about the action that’s going to transpire between the sheets later on.

  • The sexual outfit

Like with the secret item above, maybe you have a secret outfit you can wear to communicate your sexual prowess.  Maybe it’s a tie you wear to work, the same one she wore (with nothing else on!) as you returned home from a late meeting.  Maybe it’s a specific blouse, the one he “accidentally” ripped one of the buttons off of when you sprang into your bedroom for a quickie.  It could be anything, but just like the secret item, it’s a very effective way to communicate.

2. The bedroom of sexual ecstasy:

What’s your bedroom look like?  Now, what does it really look like?  Does it scream, “We sleep here AND we sleep together here?”  Everything about your bedroom decor matters.  A TV mounted on the wall could communicate you’re more interested in Sports Center or LifeTime than connecting with your spouse.  Lighting matters.  Scents matter.  Colors matter.  Dirty clothes matter.  Take opportunities to create a bedroom environment that encourages you to spend more time with one another there.

3. The sexual date night:

Every once in a while you need to create an unforgettable moment for your sex life.  It could be taking an opportunity to do something very different, like hiking deep into the woods and connecting far, far away from civilization.  (Yes, ladies, you can even take a tent.)  Or a planned middle-of-the night encounter in your swimming pool.  Or if you’re up for it, removing the seats from your minivan, or enjoying a bump and grind session in the bed of his pickup truck.  Whatever it is, take at least 2-3 opportunities a year to purposefully plan to sexually connect in such a way that is different from your normal routine.   These are the moments that you and your spouse will remember your whole lives, and if you plan them well, you’ll have lots of fun discussions on what you can do next that will be even better than before.

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This is Part 5 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities

Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.

  1. Do you have a sexual tell (word, phrase, item, outfit, etc.) that you and your spouse use to communicate, “I want you!”?  What is it?
  2. What is the most unforgettable date night you’ve had?
  3. Discuss with your spouse: If we could do just one creative sexual date night this year (outside of our normal routine, vacation), what could we do?

Repost: The Fun Theory

A couple of months ago we wrote about how sex and boring should never be used in the same sentence.  While some would agree that sex is never boring, it may sometimes feel like a ho-hum event or “task” to check off the list.  Due to this, we thought this would a good time to introduce “The Fun Theory” into your bedroom activities.  Here is a clip that inspired this post (well, kinda)

A small simple change got 66% more people taking the stairs.  They were different.  Unique.  Fun.

Within the marriage relationship, we’re of the opinion that there is great freedom in sexual intimacy between husband and wife.  This freedom gives us opportunities to be different, unique…and fun.  While the idea of “fun” may make some feel uncomfortable, we’re not talking about kinky or crude practices.  Just simple advice about how to laugh, have fun and enjoy your spouse.  After all, their body is yours, and yours is theirs.  You enjoy your time together at the movies, or over dinner…so why not take practical steps to make sex more fun for you and your spouse?

Here are a few suggestions to include more fun in the bedroom.

1. Get your flirt on.  Flirting is great for your marriage.

Think about it: when you dated you flirted with your to-be spouse on a near daily basis.  Each of you put a tremendous amount of time and energy in dating, flirting, and winning over your future mate.  Some of that continues the first few months, or even years of marriage.  But then the thoughts come, “Why put energy into winning them over?  Why not just jump in the sheets?”  Well, jumping in the sheets will come, but you have to constantly be battling for your spouse.  Our culture, for lack of better words, is flirting with him/her in a variety of ways.  Music, Television, Movies, and perhaps even pornography.  Culture is constantly looking for your time and your dollar.  Your spouse, on the other hand, only craves you…and only really wants to be won over by you.

When is the last time you looked at your spouse and raised an eyebrow?  Or snuck up behind her and whisper something in her ear?  Or lifted up your shirt when nobody else was  looking to show off your breasts?  How much time to you put into flirting with the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?  If you’re not yet experiencing freedom behind closed doors, one step to take is to actively flirt with your spouse. Do it often.  Do it daily.

2. Try a new position.

It’s true that different positions are sometimes more fun than functional (if you catch our drift).  But trying a new position can still be quite exciting and educational.  Our bodies are made to connect and you may discover that connection can happen in sexual positions you didn’t think your bodies could twist and turn into.  If you’re not sure where/how to discover new positions, then try playing a fun game of Twister…naked.  Or if you have a smart phone, there are some apps that give suggestions for positions that are clean sketches and directions for how to get into the position.  No real images.  No temptation to lust over someone other than your spouse.

When trying a new position, it’s important to remember that orgasm may not happen for either or you.  But you’ll often get a view of your spouse that isn’t typical.  Throw some candles in the room and you’ll even see their shadow flicker on the bedroom wall.  That shadow is merely a reflection of the beautiful time you and your spouse are having with one another.  Who knows, trying out a new position just may get those shadows to dance 66% longer than they normally would.

3. Pick a new place to have sex.

J over at Hot, Holy Humorous had a series recently about different places to have sex.  With lots of humor and some practical advice about the subject, we recommend you check out what she has to say.  If your brave, let us know in the comments what you look forward to trying out.  As for us, we’ll just use those ideas as a way to flirt with one another in future conversations.

4. Come up with a code word for sex and use it in random conversations throughout the day.

There is something so fun about having a secret language that only you and your spouse know.  Sometimes it’s a secret word.  Sometimes it’s a secret sound.  Maybe you’ll text the secret phrase to him while he’s at work.  Maybe he’ll write it on the bathroom mirror with a wipe-off marker.  Whatever it is, it’s something that only you and your spouse know about, and it’s something gets you both excited for what’s coming later on that evening.

5. Have sex more often.

It sounds simple, but the more often you have sex, the better sex you’ll continue to have.  We’ve read some articles stating that the average sexual experience (from time of entry) is anywhere from 8-13 minutes.  With this being an average, it means that for some couples it’s much longer than this time frame, and for others, it’s much shorter.  This isn’t speaking poorly of him in any way, but maybe she gets him all rowed up and he just isn’t able to last more than a few minutes.  The solution: have sex more often.  The more often you both have sex, the more sexual stamina you’ll build up.  The more stamina you have, the longer you have sex.  The longer you have sex, the more positions you can try.  The more positions you try, the more fun you have in the bedroom.  The more fun you have in the bedroom, the more you flirt with one another.  The more you flirt with another another, the more often you want to have sex.  We understand this is basic circular reasoning, but it’s circular reasoning at it’s finest…and it’s worth it.  So, don’t just have sex.  Enjoy sex more often.  Make it fun.  You’re spouse will thank you, and you’ll thank yourself as well.

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How do you keep things fresh and fun in your marriage?  Your sex life?  Are you willing to join The Fun Theory: Bedroom Edition?

Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #4 Understand the Seasons

Phillip: “What are you doing?”

Janet: “What do you mean, ‘what am I doing?’  I’m sitting next to you on the couch as we watch TV.”

Phillip: “But you’re also putting your arm around me.”

Janet: *smiling* “Oh yeah. I thought I’d do that, too.”

Phillip: “I can’t even remember when the last time you’ve done that was.  What’s the occasion?”

Janet: “No special occasion.  I just wanted to be close to you.  That’s all.”

Phillip: “Well, I don’t want to offend you or anything.  But I think I’d rather have more room to stretch out.”

Janet: “Well, I don’t want to offend you or anything, but I thought maybe I’d turn off the TV and try to turn you on, instead.”

Phillip: “Sorry to say…but that’s just not going to happen.”

Janet: *playfully* “What?  You don’t think I can fulfill that goal?”

Phillip: “It’s not that.  I’m saying…I guess I don’t want you to try.”

Janet: “Why not?”

Phillip: “I’m not sure why.  Now, can we just get back to the movie?”

Janet: *turns TV off* “No, we can’t.  We obviously need to talk about this.”

Phillip: “About what?”

Janet: “About the fact that we haven’t had sex more than 1 time in the past 3 months.  In fact, we’ve rarely had sex at all the past year.  It’s gone way down, since…”

Phillip: “Since what?”

Janet: “Since you were ill.  That’s it.  We had a long break when you had all those health problems, and we never recovered.”

Phillip: “Recovered?”

Janet: “Yeah. Recovered.  You did…at least physically.  But we didn’t.”

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During the first five years of our marriage, Megan and I enjoyed life to the full.  We had no children and we spent vast amounts of time with one another.  We learned a lot about one another during that season in life, but as in every area of life, this season didn’t last.

Since that time we’ve become parents to two beautiful little girls.  Careers have changed.  Work hours have, too.  Times of sickness have invaded our lives.  Depression.  Hard struggles in our extended family.  Other struggles in our immediate one.  Yet through it all we’ve come to understand that various seasons in life will happen, and we’ve taken opportunity to not allow them to hinder our marriage in any way.

Our guess is we’re not alone.  You’ve also experienced difficult seasons of illness, depression, career changes and so on, too.  If you don’t take the time to think through and understand these seasons, some of them may hinder your marriage and sex life in profound ways.  But if you DO take the opportunity to think through and understand these seasons, you’ll learn a great deal about sexual freedom.  In fact, here are few things to consider when different seasons come your way:

You are free to please your spouse:

When your spouse is struggling with a pretty significant illness, it’s still quite likely you are able to sexually arouse and please him/her.  Whether it’s recent surgery, a broken limb or back problems, it’s still quite possible for you to experience full-blown intercourse.  Simply work together to find a position that is relaxing for them yet gives you full control of your time together.  Openly talk through what’s working and what isn’t, and do you best to connect as often as possible.  If full intercourse isn’t a possibility, then strongly consider taking opportunities to orally stimulate him/her to climax.

In seasons such as this, perhaps the most important thing to remember is that one of your primary roles in marriage is to serve your spouse.  Men have a responsibility to serve their wife by loving, caring and providing for them.  And men have a responsibility to serve their wife sexually as well.  Women share an equal responsibility.  As the Scriptures say:

2 Corinthians 7:3-4 (NLT)

3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

You are free to do it morning, noon, or night:

It seems odd that we even need to say this, but we feel we must.  If something like a career change or work hours is hindering your sex life, remember that sex doesn’t need to only occur after dark in a locked bedroom.  You can wake up a little early and enjoy a quick romp in the shower.  Once a week you can take a long lunch break and connect at home.  Husband, you can rent a hotel for a day and meet her there after meeting a business client there for lunch.  Wives, you can walk into his study/den and lock the door behind you and give him a lap dance he’ll never forget.  Just remember that pure sexual freedom frees you from engaging sexually in the same place at the same time in the same way every single time you connect.

You are free to get help:

Far too many marriages today are struggling, and far too many of those are too proud to ask for help.  Men, for the most part, are embarrassed to admit to a pastor or counselor that their marriage isn’t going so well.  (Yes, we acknowledge some women experience embarrassment and pride, too.)  This embarrassment often leads to a very unsatisfying marriage.  So our advice to you, is to get help.  It never hurts to have a trustworthy pastor or counselor talk through your marriage and sex life with you.  In fact, couples who have a rough patch yet agree to work on it together often have a longer, more fulfilling marriage than couples who (in pride) agree to stay together but not seek help.

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In short, seasons will come and seasons will go.  And in order to maintain sexual fulfillment throughout the entirety of your marriage, you need to remember that you have a responsibility to sexually please your spouse and that responsibility can be fulfilled in a variety of ways.  And if you struggle to fulfill that responsibility – if you struggle to get on the same page in any area of your marriage – seeking help doesn’t make you a failure in any way.  In fact, seeking help makes you a hero, showing that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to fight for the sanctity of marriage.

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This is Part 4 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities

 

Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.

  1. What is the most difficult ‘season’ you have gone through in your marriage?  Did it have a negative sexual impact?
  2. What is another “you are free to __________” point you think couples should remember when experiencing different seasons?
  3. Discuss with your spouse: If there’s just one thing I could do this week to serve you in a sexual way, what would it be?

Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #3 Bring the Awesomeness

James: “Well that was pretty amazing.”

Rachel: “Really, you didn’t find it just OK?”

James: “Babe, you’re definitely much more than ‘just OK’ in bed.  Trust me, that rocked.  I mean, at least it did for me.  Was it good for you?”

Rachel: “Fabulous.  Just fabulous.  I’m not sure when the last time my heart rate got up that high.  Except for maybe last night!  *Laughs*

James: “Yeah, that was a good time, too.  Hey, how about we do something different tomorrow night, but reengage …let’s say, two nights from now?”

Rachel: “Good for me.  Whew!  It’ll be good to take a breather.  Just don’t forget about me.”

James: “Forget?  How can I forget?!”

James and Rachel quietly fell into a deep sleep.  The next morning before driving to work, James discovered a small envelope taped to the steering wheel of his car.  He opened it up and there inside was a hand-drawn sketch of the next position Rachel wanted to experiment with the next time they connect.  At the bottom was a small note – “I’m not sure how fulfilling this will be for me, but I think you’ll really like it.  If you decide to not wait until tomorrow, I understand.”

James and Rachel did wait until the next day, and by then James had made some minor modifications to Rachel’s sketch.  He, too, left a small note, using verbiage they and only they share with one another when the moment is right.  On this occasion, the moment was right.  Rachel arranged for child care and when James arrived home they enjoyed one another freely, and then stayed awake into the middle of the night, discussing their hopes, fears, and dreams…all the while knowing they were already fulfilling them all.

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In this series we’ve been discussing the possibility of not just experiencing, but sustaining sexual freedom in your marriage.  In our first post we discussed the need to believe that sexual freedom is possible.  In our second we discussed the importance of silencing outside voices.  Today we want to discuss something that can be a little more controversial, the art of sexual experimentation.

In fact, a reader recently asked a pretty important question.  They noted that blogs such as this one have been a tremendous resource and that their sex life has increased exponentially.  However, they also asked a tough question that goes something like this, “How much of this kind of reading can I do before I become too overwhelming in my sexual desire for my spouse?  At the same time, how can we keep the current excitement we have going without reverting to a season of much less sexual gratification?”

With questions such as these tied in with the subject of sexual experimentation, there’s a lot to talk about.  However, while MUCH could be said, we’re going to keep this post as simplistic as we can.

1. Experiment ONLY in ways you and your spouse agree

Whether you’ve been married one year, five years, or twenty, there’s a possibility that you both have thought of trying something different, but you’ve never discussed it for fear of how your spouse may respond. Maybe it’s a new position to try out.  Maybe it’s how you go about having “conversation” while you’re together.  Maybe it’s about trying a new element of foreplay, or oral sex.

Whatever it is, maybe you haven’t asked because you know your spouse very well and your fears are based on some pretty good evidence or conversations from the past.  If that’s the case and you continue to be sexually fulfilled, perhaps it’s best to not ask about exploring in some new way.  However, if you’re not asking because you’re just not sure how they’ll respond, then take the opportunity to ask.  If you’re not willing to freely discuss your sexual boundaries with one another, you’re not likely to discover full-fledged sexual freedom anytime soon.  Discuss oral sex.  (In fact, some other great Christian blog authors have written some pretty poignant posts on the subject.  Here’s one.  Here’s another.)  Discuss various positions to try out together.  Discuss everything and ONLY experiment with what you both agree to.

What should you agree to?  Well, we won’t get into too many details, but you should only agree to what you both believe are God-honoring acts.  We’ve been asked a number of questions about anal sex, pornography, sex toys, among others.  As for the first, God didn’t design the human body in this way for human sexuality.  As for the second, it’s a terrible industry.  And if the husband asks to do something really, really out there, then there’s a chance he’s been peeking at porn on the side and needs some good counseling.  As for the third, we don’t want to say that they’re *always* ungodly, as you may one day find a legitimate need.  But if you can just use flesh on flesh to please one another, go for it.

In short, openly discuss ways in which you can both agree to touch, kiss, suck, bend, twist, thrust any way you like.  You’ll likely find her favorite 1, 2 or 3 positions and he will too.  But you may find something new that you can go back to on some special occasions….and maybe even more regularly.

Now you may be thinking, “We don’t even know where to go to get ‘appropriate’ ideas!”  Well, this is where the subject can get more controversial.  That word ‘appropriate’ can be defined differently, for sure.  If you find these recommendations untasteful, forgive us.  One, check out the iKamasutra app for iphone, ipad, etc.  It’s likely available for Android/Windows Phone as well.  Additionally, here are a number of shopping sites recommended by our friends at The Marriage Bed.  Just remember to agree on everything you decide to purchase, and then begin playfully experimenting for the benefit of both parties.

2. Be certain to maintain self-control

How can you know if you’re becoming too overwhelming in your desire for one another?  Well, chances are your spouse will tell you if you’re coming on a bit too strong.  Not only that, but if you discover that more often than not you’re totally into sex solely for your own pleasure and you’re not paying any attention to your spouse, you’re probably not maintaining an appropriate boundary for your sex life.  However, if you’re both openly and freely enjoying one another and not pressuring him/her or becoming self-absorbed, no worries.  “Eat, friends!  Drink, be intoxicated with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1)

3. Bring the awesomeness

We recently watched a short satirical video that had this tagline.  Whoever designed it did their job well, because it stuck.

You may be in a position (pun intended) where don’t feel the need to experiment or do anything different.  You’re completely and totally sexually satisfied right where you are.  That’s great.  Keep at it.  Connect regularly.  Keep bringing the awesomeness and there’s no way you’ll revert to a time when sex doesn’t come freely.  Just bring the awesomeness, and like James and Rachel, you’ll be living free and looking forward to whatever comes next.

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This is Part 3 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities

 

Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.

  1. Why do you think couples shy away from openly discussing how they can better fulfill one another sexually?
  2. What are 3 ways this series has helped you think about not just experiencing, but sustaining sexual freedom in your marriage?
  3. Discuss with your spouse: If there’s just one thing I could do this week to “Bring the Awesomeness” in bed, what would it be?