Guest Post: The Benefits of Pay For Sex

I’m not quite ready to go public with my identity in front of the millions of readers of DoNotDisturb and I fear that my teenagers might stumble on this blog and realize that  their parents have had sex more than the 4 times that produced offspring.  That being said, I appreciate the opportunity that Justin and Megan have given me to be a guest blogger.

I came to a startling realization in the last two weeks.  My wife and I pay for sex, and that’s ok.  We don’t pay for sex in the traditional way that the title of this blog brings to mind.  But I have come to the realization that my wife and I spend money in order to have a better sex life, and as a result a healthier marriage.

A few weekends ago, we were out of town for one night.  We took along our middle schooler and our high schooler.  The norm in our family when we travel is to all cram into one hotel room because I’m cheap.  On this night, I decided to splurge and  get a room for the kids so that my wife and I could have a room to ourselves. It was a great decision because the reality is that we have better sex in a hotel.

This past Saturday my wife and I made plans to go on a date.  Typically we would buy the kids a pizza to have at home while we went out to our favorite restaurant.  This time we did something different.  We gave the kids money and sent them to a restaurant that was twice the cost of ordering pizza.  After they left, we had a thought…. a very good thought.  Instead of having sex at the end of our date night, why not start the night with sex since the kids were out of the house.  It was a great decision because the reality is that we have better sex in our own bed when there are no kids in the house.

While the title of my blog is intended to be a bit provocative, spending money on your marriage and particularly your sex life is a good thing.  It doesn’t have to be  spending money on a hotel room or sending the kids to dinner.  It may be buying a piece of sexy lingerie or a bottle of massage oil or whipped cream and strawberries or having a romantic dinner out.  The point is that we invest money (and time) into what matters most to us so it makes sense to invest money (and time) into sex lives.

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Discuss with your spouse:

1. What are one or two things we regularly pay for that we can spend less on so that we can better spend it on our sex lives?

2. What are some ideas as to how we can use this money to pay for better sex over the summer?

Repost: The Fun Theory

A couple of months ago we wrote about how sex and boring should never be used in the same sentence.  While some would agree that sex is never boring, it may sometimes feel like a ho-hum event or “task” to check off the list.  Due to this, we thought this would a good time to introduce “The Fun Theory” into your bedroom activities.  Here is a clip that inspired this post (well, kinda)

A small simple change got 66% more people taking the stairs.  They were different.  Unique.  Fun.

Within the marriage relationship, we’re of the opinion that there is great freedom in sexual intimacy between husband and wife.  This freedom gives us opportunities to be different, unique…and fun.  While the idea of “fun” may make some feel uncomfortable, we’re not talking about kinky or crude practices.  Just simple advice about how to laugh, have fun and enjoy your spouse.  After all, their body is yours, and yours is theirs.  You enjoy your time together at the movies, or over dinner…so why not take practical steps to make sex more fun for you and your spouse?

Here are a few suggestions to include more fun in the bedroom.

1. Get your flirt on.  Flirting is great for your marriage.

Think about it: when you dated you flirted with your to-be spouse on a near daily basis.  Each of you put a tremendous amount of time and energy in dating, flirting, and winning over your future mate.  Some of that continues the first few months, or even years of marriage.  But then the thoughts come, “Why put energy into winning them over?  Why not just jump in the sheets?”  Well, jumping in the sheets will come, but you have to constantly be battling for your spouse.  Our culture, for lack of better words, is flirting with him/her in a variety of ways.  Music, Television, Movies, and perhaps even pornography.  Culture is constantly looking for your time and your dollar.  Your spouse, on the other hand, only craves you…and only really wants to be won over by you.

When is the last time you looked at your spouse and raised an eyebrow?  Or snuck up behind her and whisper something in her ear?  Or lifted up your shirt when nobody else was  looking to show off your breasts?  How much time to you put into flirting with the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?  If you’re not yet experiencing freedom behind closed doors, one step to take is to actively flirt with your spouse. Do it often.  Do it daily.

2. Try a new position.

It’s true that different positions are sometimes more fun than functional (if you catch our drift).  But trying a new position can still be quite exciting and educational.  Our bodies are made to connect and you may discover that connection can happen in sexual positions you didn’t think your bodies could twist and turn into.  If you’re not sure where/how to discover new positions, then try playing a fun game of Twister…naked.  Or if you have a smart phone, there are some apps that give suggestions for positions that are clean sketches and directions for how to get into the position.  No real images.  No temptation to lust over someone other than your spouse.

When trying a new position, it’s important to remember that orgasm may not happen for either or you.  But you’ll often get a view of your spouse that isn’t typical.  Throw some candles in the room and you’ll even see their shadow flicker on the bedroom wall.  That shadow is merely a reflection of the beautiful time you and your spouse are having with one another.  Who knows, trying out a new position just may get those shadows to dance 66% longer than they normally would.

3. Pick a new place to have sex.

J over at Hot, Holy Humorous had a series recently about different places to have sex.  With lots of humor and some practical advice about the subject, we recommend you check out what she has to say.  If your brave, let us know in the comments what you look forward to trying out.  As for us, we’ll just use those ideas as a way to flirt with one another in future conversations.

4. Come up with a code word for sex and use it in random conversations throughout the day.

There is something so fun about having a secret language that only you and your spouse know.  Sometimes it’s a secret word.  Sometimes it’s a secret sound.  Maybe you’ll text the secret phrase to him while he’s at work.  Maybe he’ll write it on the bathroom mirror with a wipe-off marker.  Whatever it is, it’s something that only you and your spouse know about, and it’s something gets you both excited for what’s coming later on that evening.

5. Have sex more often.

It sounds simple, but the more often you have sex, the better sex you’ll continue to have.  We’ve read some articles stating that the average sexual experience (from time of entry) is anywhere from 8-13 minutes.  With this being an average, it means that for some couples it’s much longer than this time frame, and for others, it’s much shorter.  This isn’t speaking poorly of him in any way, but maybe she gets him all rowed up and he just isn’t able to last more than a few minutes.  The solution: have sex more often.  The more often you both have sex, the more sexual stamina you’ll build up.  The more stamina you have, the longer you have sex.  The longer you have sex, the more positions you can try.  The more positions you try, the more fun you have in the bedroom.  The more fun you have in the bedroom, the more you flirt with one another.  The more you flirt with another another, the more often you want to have sex.  We understand this is basic circular reasoning, but it’s circular reasoning at it’s finest…and it’s worth it.  So, don’t just have sex.  Enjoy sex more often.  Make it fun.  You’re spouse will thank you, and you’ll thank yourself as well.

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How do you keep things fresh and fun in your marriage?  Your sex life?  Are you willing to join The Fun Theory: Bedroom Edition?

Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #3 Bring the Awesomeness

James: “Well that was pretty amazing.”

Rachel: “Really, you didn’t find it just OK?”

James: “Babe, you’re definitely much more than ‘just OK’ in bed.  Trust me, that rocked.  I mean, at least it did for me.  Was it good for you?”

Rachel: “Fabulous.  Just fabulous.  I’m not sure when the last time my heart rate got up that high.  Except for maybe last night!  *Laughs*

James: “Yeah, that was a good time, too.  Hey, how about we do something different tomorrow night, but reengage …let’s say, two nights from now?”

Rachel: “Good for me.  Whew!  It’ll be good to take a breather.  Just don’t forget about me.”

James: “Forget?  How can I forget?!”

James and Rachel quietly fell into a deep sleep.  The next morning before driving to work, James discovered a small envelope taped to the steering wheel of his car.  He opened it up and there inside was a hand-drawn sketch of the next position Rachel wanted to experiment with the next time they connect.  At the bottom was a small note – “I’m not sure how fulfilling this will be for me, but I think you’ll really like it.  If you decide to not wait until tomorrow, I understand.”

James and Rachel did wait until the next day, and by then James had made some minor modifications to Rachel’s sketch.  He, too, left a small note, using verbiage they and only they share with one another when the moment is right.  On this occasion, the moment was right.  Rachel arranged for child care and when James arrived home they enjoyed one another freely, and then stayed awake into the middle of the night, discussing their hopes, fears, and dreams…all the while knowing they were already fulfilling them all.

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In this series we’ve been discussing the possibility of not just experiencing, but sustaining sexual freedom in your marriage.  In our first post we discussed the need to believe that sexual freedom is possible.  In our second we discussed the importance of silencing outside voices.  Today we want to discuss something that can be a little more controversial, the art of sexual experimentation.

In fact, a reader recently asked a pretty important question.  They noted that blogs such as this one have been a tremendous resource and that their sex life has increased exponentially.  However, they also asked a tough question that goes something like this, “How much of this kind of reading can I do before I become too overwhelming in my sexual desire for my spouse?  At the same time, how can we keep the current excitement we have going without reverting to a season of much less sexual gratification?”

With questions such as these tied in with the subject of sexual experimentation, there’s a lot to talk about.  However, while MUCH could be said, we’re going to keep this post as simplistic as we can.

1. Experiment ONLY in ways you and your spouse agree

Whether you’ve been married one year, five years, or twenty, there’s a possibility that you both have thought of trying something different, but you’ve never discussed it for fear of how your spouse may respond. Maybe it’s a new position to try out.  Maybe it’s how you go about having “conversation” while you’re together.  Maybe it’s about trying a new element of foreplay, or oral sex.

Whatever it is, maybe you haven’t asked because you know your spouse very well and your fears are based on some pretty good evidence or conversations from the past.  If that’s the case and you continue to be sexually fulfilled, perhaps it’s best to not ask about exploring in some new way.  However, if you’re not asking because you’re just not sure how they’ll respond, then take the opportunity to ask.  If you’re not willing to freely discuss your sexual boundaries with one another, you’re not likely to discover full-fledged sexual freedom anytime soon.  Discuss oral sex.  (In fact, some other great Christian blog authors have written some pretty poignant posts on the subject.  Here’s one.  Here’s another.)  Discuss various positions to try out together.  Discuss everything and ONLY experiment with what you both agree to.

What should you agree to?  Well, we won’t get into too many details, but you should only agree to what you both believe are God-honoring acts.  We’ve been asked a number of questions about anal sex, pornography, sex toys, among others.  As for the first, God didn’t design the human body in this way for human sexuality.  As for the second, it’s a terrible industry.  And if the husband asks to do something really, really out there, then there’s a chance he’s been peeking at porn on the side and needs some good counseling.  As for the third, we don’t want to say that they’re *always* ungodly, as you may one day find a legitimate need.  But if you can just use flesh on flesh to please one another, go for it.

In short, openly discuss ways in which you can both agree to touch, kiss, suck, bend, twist, thrust any way you like.  You’ll likely find her favorite 1, 2 or 3 positions and he will too.  But you may find something new that you can go back to on some special occasions….and maybe even more regularly.

Now you may be thinking, “We don’t even know where to go to get ‘appropriate’ ideas!”  Well, this is where the subject can get more controversial.  That word ‘appropriate’ can be defined differently, for sure.  If you find these recommendations untasteful, forgive us.  One, check out the iKamasutra app for iphone, ipad, etc.  It’s likely available for Android/Windows Phone as well.  Additionally, here are a number of shopping sites recommended by our friends at The Marriage Bed.  Just remember to agree on everything you decide to purchase, and then begin playfully experimenting for the benefit of both parties.

2. Be certain to maintain self-control

How can you know if you’re becoming too overwhelming in your desire for one another?  Well, chances are your spouse will tell you if you’re coming on a bit too strong.  Not only that, but if you discover that more often than not you’re totally into sex solely for your own pleasure and you’re not paying any attention to your spouse, you’re probably not maintaining an appropriate boundary for your sex life.  However, if you’re both openly and freely enjoying one another and not pressuring him/her or becoming self-absorbed, no worries.  “Eat, friends!  Drink, be intoxicated with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1)

3. Bring the awesomeness

We recently watched a short satirical video that had this tagline.  Whoever designed it did their job well, because it stuck.

You may be in a position (pun intended) where don’t feel the need to experiment or do anything different.  You’re completely and totally sexually satisfied right where you are.  That’s great.  Keep at it.  Connect regularly.  Keep bringing the awesomeness and there’s no way you’ll revert to a time when sex doesn’t come freely.  Just bring the awesomeness, and like James and Rachel, you’ll be living free and looking forward to whatever comes next.

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This is Part 3 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities

 

Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.

  1. Why do you think couples shy away from openly discussing how they can better fulfill one another sexually?
  2. What are 3 ways this series has helped you think about not just experiencing, but sustaining sexual freedom in your marriage?
  3. Discuss with your spouse: If there’s just one thing I could do this week to “Bring the Awesomeness” in bed, what would it be?

Piggyback Ride Anyone? (Giveaway)

“Faster Mommy! Faster Daddy!” cheer the gleeful voices of our daughters. What’s not to love about a piggyback race!?! Justin and I can tell you, we were the ones doing all the work! And so it is with piggyback riding, the rider gets to enjoy the other persons hard work.

I believe that our marriages can apply the foundations of a good piggyback ride. If you want some fun, need a creative idea for a date or just need some motivation or inspiration to keep running the marriage race, piggyback off the creativity and ingenuity of others. Justin and I will readily admit that we have a piggyback marriage. Romance is not our thing so if we desire to up the romance, we look to people who have ideas that can help us out. Communication problems? We will talk to other married couples, read a book or find a way to work on it. Whatever situation you encounter, chances are there is someone who has “been there, done that and has the bumper sticker to prove it” as my mother says.

Today we want to share some great sites that provide opportunities for you to take a “piggyback ride” on their creativity, romance and general marriage advice.

The Generous Husband/The Generous Wife – Day in day out Paul & Lori provide a mixture of inspiration, practical advice and wisdom to give you a vision of what marriage is meant to be and can be. Take the opportunity to be reminded daily how to grow your marriage.

The Romantic Vineyard – Romantic and fun date ideas and thought provoking insights make this site a great resource to piggyback.

Looking for something to do this summer? Becoming His Eve recently shared 67 ways to Celebrate Summer. Pick something to try it this week. Check out the rest of the site for other great date ideas.

If you’ve yet to go on vacation, Gaye of Calm Healthy Sexy shared 12 great tips on how to have a calmer, healthier and sexier vacation.

Group dates, free printables, family ideas can all be found on The Dating Divas website. There are countless ways to benefit from the hundreds of ideas shared.

The CMBA is another great resource to find marriage bloggers that desire to encourage and uplift marriages. Check out the list of bloggers who are part of that association.

We also wanted to offer a mid-summer giveaway to get your creative juices going. By leaving a comment on this post you will have the opportunity to be given a copy of either, The Simply Romantic Wife: 150 fun and creative ways to romance your husband or 31 Days to Great Sex (pdf file) ebook by Shelia Wray Gregoire.

To enter the giveaway simply leave a comment on this post. (No need for multiple comments)  We will choose 2 winners at random on July 31st 2013 and contact the winner by email.  Thanks for reading!

Marriage Challenge: Third Time’s a Charm

Today’s challenge is simply meant to add some fun, variety and entertainment to your sex life.

Marriage Challenge: Every third time you make love change one variable. After all, the third time’s a charm right?

The variable could be

  • location
  • position (at least to start with)
  • style of initiation
  • fragrance worn
  • vocalization (make some noise, different words, etc)
  • ambiance
  • what you wear
  • use your imagination!

Don’t let a drift in your sex life lead you away from one another. Keep it fresh and new, allowing your imagination and creativity to be used to the fullest extent.

Marriage Challenge: Unexpected Twists

Task: Washing the car

Place: Local Car Wash Station (not automatic)

Unexpected Twist: Scented Bubble Soap from the foaming soap brush

Really!?!  Scented bubbles?

I am picturing a board room somewhere with a group of business execs devising a plan to make washing a car more pleasant. That made me think. Think about the fact that an unexpected twist to a routine or possibly even unpleasant task changed my perspective.  At first it made me laugh, but after that I was able to appreciate that it would benefit me to add some unexpected twists to my husband’s day.  Maybe it’s a sticky note on the counter as he puts away the dishes.  Maybe it’s an “all about him” approach to foreplay or sex one evening. An unexpected gift at an unexpected time. The list could go on and on.  Whatever it is that you can think of to make marriage memories, do it!

Great marriages include gestures of love… just because.  No ulterior motive. No search for approval.  Gestures that reach out and touch the one you love because you love them.  Take time today to think of a way that you can encourage, bless or shower your spouse with an unexpected twist.  They may laugh or think it silly at first but those are the moments that build great marriages.

Continue the conversation:

What unexpected twist do you have planned for your spouse?

Frantic Friday Update: What Are We Doing?

We haven’t taken much of an opportunity recently to just write about us and what we’ve been up to, so we thought we’d go ahead and fill you in.

1) Reading, Reading, Reading!

Megan got a Kindle Fire HD for her birthday late last year and she’s been a reading machine since.  The number of blogs and free ebooks she’s consumed is kind of mind-boggling.  As for me (Justin), I have lots of required reading for school, but I’m also enjoying “31 Days to Great Sex”, “Grace Based Parenting” as well as lots of marriage blogs.

2) Movies, Movies, Movies!

We became Amazon Prime members at Christmas and have taken some opportunities to enjoy some movies and TV entertainment.  Our “that was definitely worth watching” list includes the British Sherlock Holmes TV series, and the documentary Man on Wire.  If you’re a fan of anything on Prime, feel free to let us know and we’ll add it into our queue.

3) Game, Games Games!OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

We received a surprise cash gift recently and decided to purchase some new board games to enjoy at home with one another and our children.  We purchased Ticket to Ride (and quickly added in our own Marriage edition rules) and some of the Ticket to Ride expansions such as 1910, Switzerland, India and Africa.  And we also purchased Carcassonne.  Megan is a huge fan of TTR (even without the Marriage Edition rules) and Carcassonne is growing on her…I think.

4) School, School, School!

I (Justin) have been working on a Master’s Degree for a number of years, and there is now light at the end of the tunnel.  While there may be another year or so to go, my classroom work may end as early as this summer.  Woo-Hoo!  I’m really looking forward to finishing up so that I have even more time to write here on the blog!

5) Marriage, Marriage, Marriage!

Yes, of course Megan and I take opportunities to put our marriage above all other relationships (other than God, of course).  Our children are fantastic, but our marriage comes first.  Our hobbies and interests are fun, but our marriage comes first.  Our…you get the idea.

Anyway, outside of our own marriage we’ve made ourselves available to help mentor others as well.  It’s given wonderful opportunities and we look forward to building more and more fantastic marriage friendships in the years to come.

That’s a quick overview of what we’ve been up to outside the blog.  How about you?  What’s been consuming a great deal of your time recently?