Guest Post: The Benefits of Pay For Sex

I’m not quite ready to go public with my identity in front of the millions of readers of DoNotDisturb and I fear that my teenagers might stumble on this blog and realize that  their parents have had sex more than the 4 times that produced offspring.  That being said, I appreciate the opportunity that Justin and Megan have given me to be a guest blogger.

I came to a startling realization in the last two weeks.  My wife and I pay for sex, and that’s ok.  We don’t pay for sex in the traditional way that the title of this blog brings to mind.  But I have come to the realization that my wife and I spend money in order to have a better sex life, and as a result a healthier marriage.

A few weekends ago, we were out of town for one night.  We took along our middle schooler and our high schooler.  The norm in our family when we travel is to all cram into one hotel room because I’m cheap.  On this night, I decided to splurge and  get a room for the kids so that my wife and I could have a room to ourselves. It was a great decision because the reality is that we have better sex in a hotel.

This past Saturday my wife and I made plans to go on a date.  Typically we would buy the kids a pizza to have at home while we went out to our favorite restaurant.  This time we did something different.  We gave the kids money and sent them to a restaurant that was twice the cost of ordering pizza.  After they left, we had a thought…. a very good thought.  Instead of having sex at the end of our date night, why not start the night with sex since the kids were out of the house.  It was a great decision because the reality is that we have better sex in our own bed when there are no kids in the house.

While the title of my blog is intended to be a bit provocative, spending money on your marriage and particularly your sex life is a good thing.  It doesn’t have to be  spending money on a hotel room or sending the kids to dinner.  It may be buying a piece of sexy lingerie or a bottle of massage oil or whipped cream and strawberries or having a romantic dinner out.  The point is that we invest money (and time) into what matters most to us so it makes sense to invest money (and time) into sex lives.

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Discuss with your spouse:

1. What are one or two things we regularly pay for that we can spend less on so that we can better spend it on our sex lives?

2. What are some ideas as to how we can use this money to pay for better sex over the summer?

Tidbits: Intimacy in the fast lane

Here at Do Not Disturb Blog we want to provide encouraging, helpful and practical ideas to strengthen your marriage in three core areas: friendship, unity and intimacy. Growth in any of these areas won’t occur without concentrated efforts and a certain amount of quality and quantity time. However, we believe that doing small things on a regular basis has the ability to make a big difference. From time to time we want to offer “tidbits” (small suggestions) to give you ideas of how to connect with your spouse.

For today we offer our first ever tidbit for intimacy in the fast lane.

Consider discovering or creating sexual nostalgia with your spouse.

Sexual nostalgia is the term we use to encourage couples to create sexual memories together. Whether it’s a place you longingly remember having sex, a position or perhaps even a tantalizing scent, creating sexual nostalgia with your spouse can be a quick way to get yourself thinking about your spouse sexually and about the next time you will connect.

Why not give it a try tonight. Give a long, passionate kiss in the hallway. Have a good old fashioned make out session on the couch. Do something even more spicy in the bedroom then use your memory to recall that connection tomorrow, and the next day and the next. That memory will become sexual nostalgia for your marriage, a great way to connect intimately with your spouse.

Intentional Sex?

For many people this definition isn’t exactly what they would consider passionate or romantic. Yet, we believe there is a certain appeal to intentional sex. Here are three quick reasons why it might be beneficial to be more intentional about sex in your marriage.

1. You just may find yourself having more sex.

One of the biggest libido zappers and road blocks to a satisfying sex life is being overwhelmed, tired and stressed out. Plopping into bed with only the thought of sleep is pretty common. Perhaps sex is on the mind of one spouse but the other is just too tired and wants a rain check….regularly. Being intentional about sex (read: not legalistic) can benefit the overworked and over tired couple.

If you intend to connect with your spouse in the evening you can choose to think about it all day. You can practice mindfulness in how you use your energy, choosing to save some for the bedroom. Intending to have sex at the end of the day can be a good incentive and can be considered a reward.

2. You may find yourself more present during sex.

Preparing your mind and schedule for sex can serve to help clear your mind in order to help you be more present during sex. You’ve already thought through the pressing daily activities, you’ve made it through your day and you know what to expect tonight. If you find it helpful, spend time in conversation with your spouse to release the remnant stray thoughts but if you’ve spent your day thinking about and preparing for sex, chances are there are less mental worries pressuring your mind.

3. Having sex more regularly with a greater sense of presence can produce a positive sexual cycle.

You’ve intentionally made time for sex. You’ve cleared your mind and schedule to connect. You’ve made an effort to be more aware and present during sex. Chances are, if you’ve done these things sex was more fulfilling and satisfying. The more fulfilling and satisfying sex is the more you may want it. Keeping the positive cycle going because of intention, sounds like a good idea.

“…if we’re not intentional about pursuing God’s best for our marriages, and grasping the tremendous role intimacy plays in that relationship, what was intended to be deeply enjoyed – a passionate, life giving love affair…alight with laughter, fiercely protected, and drenched in freedom – becomes a stuffy, awkward thing to be endured.” ~ Joy McMillan