Boundaries: Friendship

This weekend Megan and I had an opportunity to do something extraordinary. It wasn’t planned out weeks in advance. It wasn’t even planned out days or hours in advance.  It was 100% spontaneous (and just so you know, we are NOT spontaneous people.) And it was one of the best weekends of our marriage.

Where we went and what we did is relatively unimportant. (Though if you really must know, we took a weekend out of town with our girls, enjoying parks, disc golf, and even swimming in a lake.) What is important, is that we’ve both placed certain boundaries in our lives in order to keep our friendship going strong.

Boundaries.

It’s the one word everybody knows and understands, but few apply it well.  Having boundaries in your life means you have clear lines in place that you won’t cross. Stay within those boundaries and you’ll likely enjoy a healthier, happier life. But if you cross those lines too many times, you’ll likely feel as if you’re doing a lot yet accomplishing nothing. Keep going and some of your friendships may take a hit. Further still, your friendship with your spouse becomes non-existent.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking there’s just to much to do. You’re thinking you’ll let others down. You’re thinking you’ll miss a deadline. You’re thinking…

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But here are a few things you may want to consider as well.

All of Life Is Ministry:

With all of the challenges Megan and I have experienced over the past year, this is something we’ve come to understand so clearly. Did you know that swimming in a lake, or hiking on a trail, or playing a board game with your spouse (and kids) is no less Godly than attending every church service every weekend? Did you know that it’s OK to say, “no” to some really good ministry opportunities in order to do something even better with your family?  Did you know that spending true quality time with your family can even be considered ‘ministry’?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m in full-time ministry and Megan volunteers a tremendous amount of time and energy. But we’ve learned that we don’t have to be there for every service, every meeting, every…everything. We can say, “no” to some things and remain 100% confident that we’re accomplishing all that God has for us to accomplish.

Emotional Health is Important:

This past year we’ve taken an opportunity to read a great book called, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. If you’re ever feeling a bit overwhelmed, read this book immediately. It’s fantastic.

I know that men don’t like to talk about ’emotions’, but there’s tremendous benefit in both men and women understanding their emotional health and making decisions to keep their emotional health at the highest possible level.  Why? Well, because when you’re not feeling well on an emotional level then it doesn’t matter how much you’re doing, because the people you’re doing it for aren’t getting your best. If you truly want others to always get your very best, keep appropriate boundaries in place and hold firm to them. Remember, saying, “no” to some things means that others can get more of your very best. And you’ll feel better about what you’re able to accomplish.

Friendship First:

Your friendship with your spouse is far more important than any other friendship you may have. It’s more important than any meeting or deadline. It’s more important than coaching your son’s soccer team or driving your daughter to her dance recital. Your friendship with your spouse is the rock on which the rest of your marriage is built.  If you hold firm on boundaries to keep your marriage-friendship strong, everybody will get your very best in everything else you do.

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Feel free to answer at least one of these questions in the comments below:

1. What are some things you have a really hard time saying, “no” to?

    Would saying, “no” bring you more joy?

2. What are 2-3 things you do to keep your marriage-friendship strong at all times?

5 thoughts on “Boundaries: Friendship

  1. In general, I have a hard time saying no. But I’m getting better at it! And life is definitely more peaceful, with fewer commitments…

    Thanks for sharing your experiences!

  2. Bike rides.. We hit the trail with kids in tow and bike for about 6-10 miles once a week or so. Like the previous comment it is hard to just say no. Especially when it involves your kids.

  3. I ask my wife out for a date at least twice a month. I know it makes her feel so loved and I feel great doing it. Yes, it’s hard to say “no” to our kids especially if what they’re asking is something that makes them really happy.

  4. Ditto on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality! Great book. You are probably getting to this one, but “Boundaries” by Cloud & Townsend was another life changing and marriage changing book for me. Both have helped our marriage grow exponentially. YES, all of life is ministry and we need to minister to our spouse first, family second, others third (of course, always putting God in the ultimate first position). I pray for you all. Being in full-time ministry can be an ‘opportunity’ to further strengthen those boundaries! Lovely post!

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