5 Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #5 Create Opportunities

It was Saturday morning, and Sarah took the opportunity to sleep in.  But when she woke up she realized that something was different.  The house was quiet.  Too quiet.  What exactly were her husband and their three little ones up to?

She quickly rolled out of bed only to see a small post-it note on the bedroom door.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 7.59.12 AMSarah almost couldn’t believe it.  First, Jason took the responsibility to take care of the kids and get them to bed so she could enjoy an evening out with friends.  Then he somehow quietly got them up, fed, dressed, and out the door on a Saturday morning so she could sleep in!  She giggled a little as she walked into the kitchen when she saw another note:

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.03.29 AMThis was turning out to be too good to be true!  She poured a cup of coffee and began to sip it.  But soon her mind began to wander.  “Did Jason have the grocery list?  Was he going to get everything needed?  Did he get the extra car seat into his car?”  After a few minutes she decided to not think about those things anymore and just enjoy the quiet.   After pouring her second cup of coffee she picked up her phone and began scrolling through her Pinterest account.  And that’s when she saw a third note.  This one stuck onto the back of her phone.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.09.22 AM“That’s strange,” Sarah thought.  “Jason knows I rarely eat breakfast.  What exactly is he up to?”  Strange as it was, Sarah couldn’t hold back her curiosity.  She nearly spilled her coffee as she ran into the kitchen and opened up the oven.  There was a small wrapped package inside, with yet another note.

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 8.20.18 AMSarah honestly didn’t know what to think.  So she didn’t think, she just ripped open the package as fast as she could.  The box wasn’t overly sturdy, but Jason had wrapped the entire thing with duct tape.  “That’s not cool, Jason…not cool at all!” Her shout echoed through the quiet house, so much so that she giggled for getting so wound up.  After 5 minutes of carefully removing all of the tape she finally got the box open.  At first she didn’t see anything in the box.  She checked it again.  And again.  She even took time to see if there was anything stuck to the tape.  After a minute she re-read Jason’s final note. His message was quite clear.  There was nothing in the box.  Nothing.  And she couldn’t wait for him to get home so she could try it on.

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Sexual freedom in marriage isn’t just something that happens.  It’s something that you take opportunities to create.  And re-create.  And re-create again.  If you don’t, it’s the kind of freedom that may be there in one season, and gone the next.  But if you do, it’s something that will last throughout your entire marriage.  It won’t go away in your 40’s.  Or 50’s.  Or 60’s.  It’s something you’ll regularly experience well into your retirement years.  And it will continually get better.  And better.  And better.

Throughout this series we’ve offered a number of ways to sustain sexual freedom in marriage.  In this final post, we’re going to offer a few final thoughts.  How can you sustain sexual freedom in your marriage?  You can regularly create opportunities to experience it.

1. Offer sexual surprises:

Surprises are like people.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  The more you get to know your spouse, the more you will learn the best ways to surprise him/her.  Sure, little post-it notes and packages with nothing in them are one way to offer an occasional surprise.  But there are other things you can do to regularly communicate you’re looking forward to freely expressing your love to your spouse as well.  Some of these ideas include:

  • Offer a sexual tell

You may decide to have a “secret” code to communicate to your spouse that you’re ready to connect.  It could be anything.  Anything at all.  Some couples use a small item that they creatively hide in places they know they’re spouse will find.  For example, a wife may hide a small stuffed animal her husband bought her early on in their marriage.  She’ll “conveniently” leave this in his lunch, car, or cereal box as a way of saying, “I want you…tonight!”  Or a husband may hide an old watch she bought him while they were still dating.  Whenever this secret item shows up, you know to begin thinking about the action that’s going to transpire between the sheets later on.

  • The sexual outfit

Like with the secret item above, maybe you have a secret outfit you can wear to communicate your sexual prowess.  Maybe it’s a tie you wear to work, the same one she wore (with nothing else on!) as you returned home from a late meeting.  Maybe it’s a specific blouse, the one he “accidentally” ripped one of the buttons off of when you sprang into your bedroom for a quickie.  It could be anything, but just like the secret item, it’s a very effective way to communicate.

2. The bedroom of sexual ecstasy:

What’s your bedroom look like?  Now, what does it really look like?  Does it scream, “We sleep here AND we sleep together here?”  Everything about your bedroom decor matters.  A TV mounted on the wall could communicate you’re more interested in Sports Center or LifeTime than connecting with your spouse.  Lighting matters.  Scents matter.  Colors matter.  Dirty clothes matter.  Take opportunities to create a bedroom environment that encourages you to spend more time with one another there.

3. The sexual date night:

Every once in a while you need to create an unforgettable moment for your sex life.  It could be taking an opportunity to do something very different, like hiking deep into the woods and connecting far, far away from civilization.  (Yes, ladies, you can even take a tent.)  Or a planned middle-of-the night encounter in your swimming pool.  Or if you’re up for it, removing the seats from your minivan, or enjoying a bump and grind session in the bed of his pickup truck.  Whatever it is, take at least 2-3 opportunities a year to purposefully plan to sexually connect in such a way that is different from your normal routine.   These are the moments that you and your spouse will remember your whole lives, and if you plan them well, you’ll have lots of fun discussions on what you can do next that will be even better than before.

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This is Part 5 in our series on Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage.  Additional posts in the series can be found at the links below.

Part 1: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom In Marriage #1 – Believe

Part 2: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #2 – Silence Outside Voices

Part 3: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #3 – Bring the Awesomeness

Part 4: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #4 – Understand the Seasons

Part 5: Five Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage #5 – Create Opportunities

Feel free to answer one/all of the following questions in the comments below, or discuss them with your spouse.

  1. Do you have a sexual tell (word, phrase, item, outfit, etc.) that you and your spouse use to communicate, “I want you!”?  What is it?
  2. What is the most unforgettable date night you’ve had?
  3. Discuss with your spouse: If we could do just one creative sexual date night this year (outside of our normal routine, vacation), what could we do?

3 thoughts on “5 Ways to Sustain Sexual Freedom in Marriage: #5 Create Opportunities

  1. I love the little story, Megan. I hope it’s one taken from real life! And it really does drive home the truth that it’s the little things we do for each other and say to each other that keep the marriage fires burning! I also love your suggestions and am taking notes to apply them to my marriage! Your place is always filled with inspiration for the revving up of the marriage bed! 🙂 Thanks so much!

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