…you’ve not been a good friend.
I’ve (Megan) been experiencing a very distracted mind recently. My distraction ranges from significant to insignificant. Regardless of the reasons, it’s an unwelcome guest in my marriage, my friendships, my work, my parenting and (for the sake of this post) my sex life. Sex with a distracted mind is not nearly as fulfilling and satisfying as sex with a clear mind.
Having spoken with others I know I’m not alone. We all lead busy and full lives. Quietness, calm and rest are not readily available. Therefore, distraction is common. But as I continue down this road called life, I’ve learned a bit about how to kick distraction to the curb. Walking through these steps helps me prioritize. It helps my marriage. And it helps me to be mentally and emotionally engaged when opportunities for sex come up.
1. Practice in the moment thinking.
If distractions are on your mind right before sex, then take opportunities to slowly remove them from your mind. If thoughts of dirty dishes, sleeping children, work deadlines or the like pop into your brain, then write down a short to-do list on a piece of paper, and then replace those thoughts with others about how great it feels to be touched and kissed. Notice the scent of your spouse, the taste of their lips, the feel of their caress, the press of their body against yours. Awareness about what feels great, what you want to have happen next and what this moment means to your marriage can replace the distraction that is clamoring for attention. Find the enjoyable sensations and think on those things. The to-do list is written down and can wait, but for now, think on sex and even more specifically, what you’d like to have happen during this sexual encounter with your spouse.
2. Engage with verbal expressions.
As you grow in awareness of the here and now of sexual intimacy, transform those thoughts by speaking them out loud. For some of you this may seem strange but to deal with distraction it’s a great technique to learn. In the moment thinking is a great first step, but there’s an incredible connection that happens when you learn to verbalize how good something feels and express what you are longing for your spouse to do next. Once again, this is about harnessing your greatest sexual organ, your mind, and making the positive connection between what you are thinking and what you are experiencing.
Communicate to your spouse what they are doing that you absolutely love. Invite them to continue with that and verbalize what you want them to try next. If you think your spouse should “just know” what to do next, you’re more likely to miss-out on something extraordinary. Be specific. Be honest. Be real. And give them the opportunity to please you in immeasurable ways.
3. Dig deep and give in.
Once you have moved through the first two steps, the biggest blow to the unwelcome distraction will come when you finally dig deep and give in to the sexual encounter. No longer going through the motions but fully engaging your senses, your awareness and your mind to the passion that is possible. This may require a change in motion, harder thrusts, a faster (or slower) rhythm, or maybe a different position. It may even increase in verbal intensity, with a more specific “do-this” request to your spouse. The previous two steps have been mental but the physicality of this step is just plain fun. Start moving and stimulating your bodies and your mind will have less of a chance of messing it up.
1) What do you do when distractions get in the way of your sex life? Is it easier to stay distracted, or are you able to kick those distractions to the curb?