This morning was a snooze kind of morning. Usually a morning person, this is a rarity. I (Megan) enjoy the quiet house, the chirping birds and a few minutes of calm before my day starts. This morning however, my body was in no way ready to get going so I allowed myself to hit snooze and take full advantage of a few more minutes of sleep. After all, that’s what the snooze button is for. If you’re a person who hits the snooze everyday, maybe even multiple times and you find that works for you, I won’t judge. But what about your sex life? Are you ever tempted to hit the sexual snooze button?
I regularly ask people in my life, “How are you doing?” The most common answers I hear are fine and/or busy. Busy is just a way of life for most people. Our society values productivity, success and the bottom line. Busyness is often seen as a way of accomplishing and living out those values. As a result, relationships take a beating, proper rest and rejuvenation is ignored and married couples sex lives suffer. Couples who find themselves in a “too busy” period of life, often and regularly hit the sexual snooze button.
Reasons for hitting the sexual snooze button are endless, so rather than list them here I would encourage you to consider the reasons you reach for that button. Do you regularly hit snooze when you are: too tired? don’t have the energy? aren’t “feeling sexy”? it’s easier this way? Once you have thought about the reasons you have or do hit the sexual snooze button, here are a few things to consider.
1. Stamp out selfishness.
A healthy marital sex life is not concerned solely with self. When the sexual snooze button is regularly being hit out of convenience, selfish ambitions or outright refusal to give of yourself to please your spouse, something must be done about it. Consider the benefits of sex in marriage (closeness, connection, fun, restoration) and choose to engage. Grow in your understanding of sex. Ask for help in healing from past sexual pain. Keep moving forward. The benefit of the snooze button is not to sleep the whole day through, it’s to provide a few extra moments of preparation in order to get up and get to it. Put selfishness aside, engage fully and enjoy the benefits to your marriage when you pursue a vibrant sex life.
2. Allow the ebb and flow of sex drives to work for your marriage rather than against your marriage.
Healthy marriages can withstand the occasional snooze button moment. However, a continued refusal to engage in sexual intimacy will harm the marriage. A helpful way to allow the ebb and flow of your sex drives to work for your marriage rather than against you is to have open communication and mutual understanding. Love, respect and understanding must be the prominent attitudes that permeate your marriage and intimate lives. Learning how to communicate that a “not now” moment (snooze) doesn’t mean “never” is important. Allowing your spouse the occasional option to hit snooze shows a great deal of understanding and concern for their emotions and sensitivity to their sexual interest.
Of course, it’s equally important to note that there is great benefit in making the mental switch from “I really want to hit snooze right now” to thinking “I want to bless my spouse and be blessed.” Loving your spouse through the act of physical intimacy by responding rather than refusing their initiation is within your control. When your sex drives seem to be in opposition to one another, turn around and head in the same direction. Sex is not great because your drives match up 100% of the time, sex is great when you learn that you can give, you can receive and you can grow together.
3. Choose not to snooze!
Sex is an important and necessary part of marriage. Learning to make it a priority and keep it a priority even during the busy times of life will help solidify and strengthen your marriage. Both Justin and I believe that sex is meant to be enjoyed and that sexual freedom is found in the confines of marriage, but we would be lying if we said we were always ready for sex. Busyness, tension, arguments, kids, sickness, laziness…all these and more show up in our marriage as much as they show up in yours. Choosing our snooze moments carefully and rarely is a priority for us. We also live by our own advice, we choose not to snooze very often. Consider how you can make your sex life better. It will require work, you’ll need to talk about it and find a workable solution for your snooze moments. In the end though, if you want a active and fulfilling sex life, choose not to snooze.