We recently listened to a song titled, “I don’t know enough about you.” Have you ever asked that question about your sex life? Ever wondered if you really had any clue what your spouse likes or dislikes? Whether or not you ‘knew’ enough about their desires in the bedroom?
We’re hopeful that you have, because every married couple ought to be on equal footing in one area: knowing how to please one another sexually. Regardless of your spouse’s sexual history, or even your own history together before marriage, every married couple should continually be learning about how to please their partner.
Some people believe that with enough time and/or practice they will be able to just “figure it out”. While there may be some truth to that way of thinking, sex is about exploration. Exploration of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of sexual intimacy. Approaching sex with an attitude of exploration has strong benefits in marriage.
In fact, the really exciting thing about sex as exploration is that it includes active participation from both partners. She may provide verbal or physical cues that guide her husband’s words, touch, and movement in a way that it brings her immense pleasure. Or, he actively participants in exploration, watching and waiting to see how she responds. He adjusts accordingly, with the sole intent of ensuring she is sexually satisfied. She, too, takes opportunities to explore him, slowly revving him up before the big bang.
While sexual exploration can (and should!) be done in a variety of ways, below are a few different ways to approach sex with this mindset.
Explore and learn by way of:
Observing – Notice your spouse. Pay attention to her facial expressions. Is she showing pleasure, or concentration? Is she changing her movements and modifying her position often? Is she tense, or is she very relaxed? You may think you know what she wants and desires, but if she’s continually adjusting her body then focus some of your mental energy to change that. Pay attention to all of the non-verbal physical cues she’s providing, and adjust accordingly. The same principles may be applied to observing your husband.
Talking -Talking about sex may be unnatural for some married couples. While sex is a regular occurrence for most couples, openly discussing it isn’t something some couples like to do.
Listen up, because this is important: It’s OK to talk about your sex life, what you like, and what you don’t like. It’s OK to do this in the bedroom, and outside the bedroom. While non-verbal cues are important, actual words about what you each like will help your spouse be able to please you better. Not only that, but your spouse will also be more sexually pleased if they know they’re bringing you greater pleasure! So go ahead and discuss it. You’re going to get naked with them again soon, so why not tell them how much you enjoyed your last time together, and what they can do to make the next one even more memorable.
Touching – Even if you have been married for many years, challenge yourself to grow in your exploration of your spouse. Take a hot shower together and then slowly explore one another’s body. What simple touches causes his body to respond? Where do caresses or kisses cause her to giggle? Don’t just focus on the face, chest and other sexual regions. Explore their WHOLE body. These opportunities will lead to longer times together, and a more vibrant, fulfilling sexual experience. Not only that, but you’ll likely learn something about your spouse you can use sometime in the future…something that may provide them with a “claws to the wall” experience.
Discuss with your spouse:
1. Which is these is most difficult for you in the exploration process: observing, talking, or touching? Can we spend some time observing one another in that way soon?
2. I think we’re doing OK because most of our sexual encounters are 10 minutes or less (a statistical fact). What do you think about slowing it down a little and doing a bit more exploration? How many minutes do you think we should add to our next encounter?
3. Challenge: I don’t want to discuss these questions! I’m ready to take a hot shower and explore your body – let’s get to it!