We often receive questions about what orgasm feels like or why someone can’t achieve orgasm regularly. People often want to know if there is a magic secret that will push them over the edge every time they have sex. We always answer, “Not that we can find.” There is no certain technique that will work every time nor is there some magic equation that guarantees that your toes are going to curl and your voice will wake the neighbors when your spouse does such and such. Sex is far more complicated than just having a few good moves. Great sex is a combination of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical factors and learning to appropriately prepare in all of those areas may just be the push to help you fall over the edge. Today we will take a look at some of the factors that may be keeping you from going over the edge.
1. Mental – Just where is you mind going? If there are business meetings, household repairs, parenting concerns crossing your mind before or during sex, they can prove to be a distraction. Taking time to clear your mind of these distractions, as best as you can, is an important step to take. If you need to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about a parenting issue, a bill payment or a scheduling conflict then by all means talk about it. It may deflate the mood for a moment but that can be recaptured. What you don’t want to happen is to be only half-present during your time of intimacy because your mind is filled with thoughts of things other than how good it feels to be together. If you struggle to remain present while making love because you feel that it takes too long, recognize that being half-present will make it take longer with less satisfaction. Being mentally prepared for sex has far greater rewards than just presenting your body to your spouse for their benefit. *
2. Emotional – Being angry, frustrated, discontent or annoyed with your spouse will affect your sex life and your ability to orgasm. Unlike the things that distract our mind from being ready for sex, when our emotions are not ready for sex it takes more effort than just a few minutes of talking before sex. Being emotionally prepared for sex takes effort because it means not letting things build up, continually clearing the air. There are some offenses that need to be released without discussion and there are some that need to be brought into the light. Openly communicating about the things that hurt you, upset you or frustrate you is the only way to live in freedom in this area. While it is impossible for you to change your spouse and how they respond to your openness, you can know that you have done your part by not holding bitterness and resentment toward them.
3. Spiritual – Yep, you read that right, spiritual. Some may be reading this and thinking, “I don’t need somebody telling me about God and how I respond to Him matters in my sex life. Sure, my intimate life isn’t great but I’m sure I can figure this out on my own.” Well, if you haven’t fully figured it out on your own, perhaps turning to God isn’t such a bad idea now is it?
Sex IS a spiritual affair and when there are problems on a spiritual level they can and will show up in the bedroom. Holding onto hurt, unforgiveness, anger and pain will lead to problems with intimacy. Husbands and wives are meant to be one and sex is the greatest example of this oneness that exists. When either the husband or the wife is unwilling to accept the spiritual side of sex there is a great void in intimacy. Dealing with the spiritual depths in life is time consuming and often uncomfortable. In this area you’re often confronting yourself, not your spouse. You’re realizing some of your inadequacies, which are often judgmental thoughts toward your spouse or others. Once you release this hurt, unforgiveness and anger over to God, you’re free to experience what He created, naked and unashamed. Make no mistake, it is the most crucial aspect of sexual intercourse.
4. Physical – When there are physical insecurities or embarrassment in marriage they can prevent the over the edge feeling of sex. If you don’t know how to enjoy sex because you feel you “don’t know how to do it right” then take the time to figure it out. Reacquaint yourself with your body through your senses. Invite your spouse to explore your body and explore theirs as well. Allow them to touch, feel, tickly, kiss, blow, etc. various parts of your flesh and let them know what you enjoy and what turns you off. Enough practice will get them reading your body language as to how they can please you the best. Just be sure to keep your head clear of the emotional/mental stuff, and enjoy the wonders of oneness with your mate.
*If part of your mental struggle with sex is that sex is dirty, not good or unimportant we recommend you check out what we have written about that.