“How many!?! How long!?! Why not me!?!” and other sex related thoughts

So, you are reading a blog that openly talks about sex.  In fact, this probably isn’t the only blog you’ve ever read about the subject.  And chances are, in the time you’ve spent reading about sex you’ve come across some tip, personal story or discussion that makes you say to yourself, “Why doesn’t that happen to me?”  or “Wow, really!?! How many? How long?” and the biggest doozie, “Is there something wrong with me? Am I normal?” Don’t worry, those same questions have bounced around in our heads too at some time or another.

As marriage and sex bloggers, we read lots of different articles and resources and have conversations regularly with people who have very different experiences with sex than us.  This is to be expected.  We are all unique individuals who have different personalities and life experiences.  We each view life in a way that makes sense to us and that works for us.  When it comes to sex,  we are not all going to respond and react the same way.  We need to learn that great sex is not about achieving something.  Great sex comes from the overflow of a great marriage.  It is about the giving and receiving of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual oneness in marriage.

While there are several ways to process information about sex and marriage, here are a few things that will [hopefully] keep your frustrations questions at bay.

1) Don’t set unrealistic sex goals

Everybody reads about a 30-day “challenge” now and then.  Sometimes it’s a diet.  Sometimes it’s exercise.  Sometimes it’s reading.  And sometimes it’s “have sex every day for 30 days”.  Whatever the challenge, we all set ourselves up for them all the time, and we always fail.  Shortly afterwards, returning thoughts come in such as, “This time, I’m really going to see this through.”  But failure comes again, and again, and again.

When it comes to sex, we think it’s great to challenge yourself.  To try to find new exciting ways to please one another.  To see if multiple orgasms are possible.  But these challenges can’t be made if you’re only going to experience failure.  Sex should be a highlight of the marriage, not a fleeting thought.  Stretch your sex life. Make it fun.  Make it frisky.  Try something new.  But keep it realistic.  Enough realistic steps in the right direction, and you’re more likely to surpass whatever “unrealistic” goals you originally had anyway.

2) Don’t focus on the symptoms, find the root

I once had an ailment and the doctor couldn’t tell me what my root problem was.  He prescribed medicine but was honest enough to tell me it would only treat the symptoms.  I refused.  “Why treat the symptoms if the root problem will continue?” I asked him.

Sadly, I believe the majority of people in the world often think the same way the doctor does.  Let’s try to treat the symptoms.  Orgasm doesn’t come easily, or comes too easily?  Let’s treat that symptom.  Penetration is difficult?  Let’s treat that symptom.  When it comes to sex, there are literally dozens of symptoms that people can experience that leaves them (or their partner) feeling sexually inadequate.  But these are often symptoms.  The root problem is often something much more difficult.  It may be something so traumatic that the individual doesn’t want to deal with it.  A sexual past or even sexual abuse will cause “symptoms” within this area of a marriage.  Other “symptoms” may come from a very treatable root cause (i.e. thinking about work – not sex; focusing on your pleasure – not your spouses; self entertainment through reading, books, games; pornography…the list goes on).

If you’re really wanting to experience mind-blowing sex, don’t focus on what minor symptoms you’re seeing on a regular basis.  Dive deep.  Find the root.  It may even require some type of counseling.  It may prove painful.  But the results may yield a much improved sex life.

3) Stop comparing your sex life to others

Jamie was a happily married woman who was quite content with her sex life.  About 8 years into marriage she talked with a friend about intimacy only to discover that her friend regularly experienced multiple orgasms.  Jamie had never experienced this.  She and her husband thoroughly enjoyed sex and she always came out satisfied.  But now she wondered what was wrong with her.

Sound familiar? (Guys, if you’re reading – there may be something familiar about this story for you as well.)  Something happens when we compare our sex lives to others.  We either 1) feel proud (in a bad way) about our sex lives/marriage or 2) feel like we’re not measuring up.  In one way, we’ve got a great sex life and we look lowly on other couples who don’t experience the same.  In the other way, we feel inferior.  Both are a terrible way to live life.

The only relationship we ought to compare our sex life is to ourselves.  If a husband and wife are both sexually satisfied in one another, that’s great!  And that’s all that should matter.  If you’re not fully satisfied, go back and read #1 above.  Talk with your spouse, set some realistic goals, and go get naked.

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Linking with: Women Living Well and To Love Honor and Vacuum

6 thoughts on ““How many!?! How long!?! Why not me!?!” and other sex related thoughts

    • Hi Elizabeth,

      We’re OK with “Kiss and Tell”…it’s the kiss and bragging about how it may be “superior” to others’ kiss that we generally shy away from. If we had to personally decide between kiss and tell or not…we’d chose tell more often than not. 😉

  1. Thanks for these great tips. Honestly, I don’t see very many blogs on the subject of sex. And I appreciate the reminder to spice things up. It’s so easy to get lazy and settle for less than the best.

  2. I love your take on this. In particular, I think that magazines, books, and shows with titles like “10 Ways to Blow His Mind in the Bedroom” and “How to Have Simultaneous Orgasm EVERY Time” put us in this mindset. It’s like we think our sexual intimacy will increase with each new achievement in the marital bedroom. Even if one can read some of those articles with a “been there, done that” attitude, we shouldn’t keep a chart by our beds and mark off how well we’re doing. I love your statement that “It is about the giving and receiving of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual oneness in marriage.” THAT is what makes it a beautiful gift from God, not some checklist. Thanks!

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