Guide for Newlyweds: A Message for Women

We have some friends who are nearing their wedding day, and this has helped us to realize that there isn’t a great deal of information out there for what brand new couples should expect in the bedroom.  We are – and always will be! – strong advocates of waiting until marriage to experience sexual intimacy.  Our series on the Pain of Past Sexual Experiences is only the tip of the iceberg on why we believe all couples should wait before considering any type of physical sex.  But what should couples think through and discuss before they get married?  What specifics should each know before diving under the covers for the first time?  We’ll cover some thoughts for women below:

1) Understand your own beauty and offer yourself to him freely

Few things hinder sexual intimacy in marriage more than misunderstanding your own beauty.  Your husband chose you, that means he finds you attractive and worth forsaking all others to be with.  Marriage is the highest compliment about your inner and outer beauty in his eyes.  You should be looking forward to the sexual bond you will have with your husband.  Of the millions of women in the world, he chose you and only you to be with for the remainder of your lives! And while he married you for many more reasons than sexual intimacy, he may crave it more often than you. Our advice: don’t turn down his sexual advances. Your body now belongs to him just as much as his belongs to you. Confidence that your sex life can be great is a wonderful place to start.

2) Understand that he may be nervous, too

If you’re feeling a bit nervous about your first sexual encounter, don’t fret, he’s probably very nervous as well. There’s some kind of misnomer that most couples feel that you need to “perform” well for one another. Sex isn’t a performance. It’s a wonderful moment to connect physically, emotionally, and spiritually with your new husband. If all goes well, you’re going to experience sex with him thousands of times throughout your lives together. Therefore, be sure to offer him words of encouragement. Your first time will not be the greatest sex you’ll ever have, but it will get better in time, so enjoy yourselves!

3) Understand that he will be pleased

As stated above, he’s going to have a lot of different emotions for this sexual encounter. He may not know how to verbalize all of his thoughts well, but know that he well be extremely pleased with your body. He may have never seen you naked, but he won’t be able to wait to see you naked again…and again…and again.

4) Understand that sex is messy

Perhaps you’ve done a little bit of reading and research on sex ahead of time, but if not, you need to know that sex can be kind of messy. Much of what he ejaculates into your body will come out, some of it slowly. While some women are fine jumping in the sack and not caring about any potential “mess” others may like to have a small towel handy so neither of you are sleeping in the wet spot.

5) Understand that it’s OK to be free in the bedroom

If you’re a “good girl” and you think that dirty talk, moaning, and the occasional wild romp are inappropriate, you may want to reconsider. Yes, sex can be soft, quiet, and deeply intimate. If that’s yours (and his) preference, that’s great! But we want to let you know there’s nothing sinful about telling him how good things feel (in fact, it will help him to be an even better lover). Sex is emotional and it is spiritual,  but it’s also physical. And if the headboard bangs up against wall, or the mattress sounds its age, or you want to be a little vocal, don’t shy away.

The sooner you experience sexual freedom in your marriage – the better your long-term sex lives will be.

3 thoughts on “Guide for Newlyweds: A Message for Women

  1. I love your positive affirmations and candor. Regarding beauty, it took me 24.5 years to finally believe my husband when he said, “You are so beautiful.” I feel so sexy when he tells me how beautiful I am and I believe him. Great post!

  2. “If you’re a “good girl” and you think that dirty talk, moaning, and the occasional wild romp are inappropriate, you may want to reconsider.”

    Could you clarify what is meant by “dirty talk”? I ask, because Scripture makes it clear that what comes out of our mouths is to be pure and edifying–the marriage bed is no exception to that command. I know of people (claiming to be believers) who have no problem using four-letter curse words and profanity when making love.

    • @gdonner – This is a question we’ve received a number of times and will probably have a more detailed post at some point in the future. For the time being, we have discussed the subject in this post – https://donotdisturbblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/better-than-a-magazine-sound/

      One thing I will note on the subject of “4 letter curse words” is this: Within our culture, many words have been deemed inappropriate by the Christian community. Personally, I often look at the context of how any word is being used (i.e. is it being used as a noun, a verb, or an adjective) before deciding whether it’s “inappropriate” or not. This reply may raise more questions for you than answers, I’m not sure. For now, I recommend the above post until we write about this subject in greater detail in the future.

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