Sex Drives: an introduction

We were recently asked by a reader to discuss more about “getting it on when you don’t really want to.”  We loved the frankness of the suggestion.  Therefore, throughout the week we want to discuss this very thing.

I (Megan) like to call this, “I’d rather…” sex.

“I’d rather… sleep.”

“I’d rather… watch TV.”

“I’d rather…play video games.”

“I’d rather… be with my friends.”

“I’d rather… eat chocolate.” (Maybe that’s just me!)

However you would complete the “I’d rather…” sentence, we know these thoughts occur in marriage.  Most married couples experience this from time to time and as long as it is fairly rare we don’t believe it to be detrimental to a strong marriage.  But when the “I’d rather…” comments happen consistently, that is when we believe problems can occur.

Here are some tips to help you get over the “I’d rather…” mindset.

1.  Understand your sex drive and how it affects your marriage.  Marriages are made up of two people.  These two people often have different sex drives.  Learning how to interpret and appreciate the differences and how to use them for the benefit and building up of your marriage is important.  We will be discussing this in depth throughout the coming week.

2.  Apply creativity to your sex life.  If you have lost interest in sex and don’t feel like “getting it on”  because sex has become predictable, passionless and boring; get creative.  Engage your senses.  Try new positions.  Think about it.  Talk about it.  Read about it.  Our bodies were created to give and receive pleasure and as married couples we should be doing just that.  Sex is not just a fringe benefit of marriage but the acting out of the very essence of marriage: intimacy, oneness, nakedness, connectedness.  It’s also a whole lot of fun!  God created marriage and has given His blessing for marital intimacy.  Never let it become boring or non-existent.

3.  Intimacy is a choice.  Everyone will experience  “I’d rather…” moments.  It is in those moments when you can choose to act, not out of obligation, but out of love for your spouse.  If your spouse occasionally experiences bouts of pain, anxiety, lack of energy, etc., one of the best things you can do for them is to please them sexually.  When you give yourself to your husband or wife, your first goal ought to be to please them first, and yourself second.  And remember, every time you choose to “get it on” when you don’t really want to, you’re likely to discover the experience will be just as enjoyable for you as it was for them.

A note for men:

I (Justin) have experienced my very own “I’d rather…” moments.  And to be honest, one of the most frequently asked questions from men is, “Am I allowed to tell my wife, no?”  It’s true that men oftentimes have their very own “I’d rather…” moments just as frequently as women.  If your wife is looking to “get it on” even though you don’t want to, I would encourage you to make yourself available to her for her own sexual fulfillment.  And as we wrote in #3 above, you’re likely to discover the experience will be just as enjoyable for you as it was for her.

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What do you do within your marriage to limit the “I’d rather…” moments?

7 thoughts on “Sex Drives: an introduction

  1. I have found that one of the best ways to handle an “I’d rather…” moment is to make a plan for another day. Sometimes my spouse will choose my desire over the “I’d rather…”, however, sometimes we pick a different day. Usually tomorrow. Doing so often builds anticipation and allows her time to get ready mentally.

  2. What if the I’d rather… moments have been consistant, I have only had success about 8 times in 9 years

    How are ways to open the marriage to intimacy when it is gone

  3. Tracie: Based on your reply, our guess is you’re craving intimacy much more than your spouse. A long conversation, and even pastoral or good Christian counseling may be necessary to truly help open doors that you believe have been closed. Talk with a pastor you trust, and be sure your spouse is a part of the conversation as well.

  4. Pingback: Sex Drives: Libido Saboteurs « Do Not Disturb

  5. Pingback: Sex is…Stressful? « Do Not Disturb

  6. Pingback: Sexual Rhythm: « Do Not Disturb

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