Tag Archives: marriage

Marriage Challenge: Third Time’s a Charm

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Today’s challenge is simply meant to add some fun, variety and entertainment to your sex life.

Marriage Challenge: Every third time you make love change one variable. After all, the third time’s a charm right?

The variable could be

  • location
  • position (at least to start with)
  • style of initiation
  • fragrance worn
  • vocalization (make some noise, different words, etc)
  • ambiance
  • what you wear
  • use your imagination!

Don’t let a drift in your sex life lead you away from one another. Keep it fresh and new, allowing your imagination and creativity to be used to the fullest extent.

Learning to Listen

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I (Megan) must confess, I’ve a lot to learn about listening. I have no problem talking, but listening has been known to cause me problems.There are times when I get distracted or try to multitask while Justin is talking rather than giving him my full attention. Sometimes I  formulate my answer while he is still talking rather than listening and then appropriately responding. There are even times when I fill in words and finish sentence for the man because I believe I already know what he is going to say! Like I said, I have a LOT to learn about listening.

In talking with others I’ve found I’m not alone in my need to grow in this area. People are quick to blame stereotypes of men or women for not knowing how to listen but I believe it’s a human problem not just a male or female problem. At the root of a seeming inability to listen is a selfishness problem.  When we recognize that others have worth and value, that what they say should be given merit, then and only then can we begin the process of learning to listen.

Here are a few tips I am learning on my way to becoming a better listener.

1. Determine what kind of listening a situation requires.

  • Does the person speaking require my input or are they just venting?
  • Is this conversation primarily one of obtaining information or is it to gain understanding?
  • Is what I am listening to for my own enjoyment or is there need for an appropriate response?

While there is a great deal of overlap in most conversations, it can help to understand what action the person communicating will find most helpful.  I believe this article has a lot of great information on how to become a better active listener.

2. Listen with empathy.

Allowing others to feel, process and think differently is part of the human experience.  We are all different and acknowledging that in listening skills rather than holding fast to unworkable expectations will do wonders for building relationships.  Listening with a desire to understand and learn in place of defending and assuming is key to continued open dialogue.

3. Recognize listening as a gift.

Priscilla Shirer writes: “Listening is one of the most significant ways He (God) blesses us. Therefore, quite predictably, it’s one of the key ways we can bless others. So choose to listen. Resist the urge to criticize, insult, laugh, or make sarcastic remarks. Battle the press of time and urgency and the hunger to get away. Just lean in, quietly, emphatically, purposefully. And Listen. It’s your gift. Your blessing. Give it to whomever you can.”

Undivided attention. The desire to know and be known. True understanding. I want that in my marriage and I bet you do to. Recognizing that those gifts are ours to give just may be encouragement enough to make some changes.  I want to be a good gift giver in my marriage and if you do to, let’s make the effort to learn to be better listeners.

Join the conversation:

How have you or are you learning to be a better listener? What else would you add to our list?

Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage

Seasons of Busyness or Change

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Change.

It’s one constant in life we can count on.

Unfortunately, knowing that change is part of life doesn’t always make it easier to accept. Right now, we are in the midst of some very exciting change in our personal lives.  Justin mentioned in our Frantic Friday post that we are in the midst of moving into a new facility with our church. As a pastor’s family we are extremely busy with last minute details, meetings and installations.  Feeling connected during this busy time is important to us but practically knowing how to stay connected is providing much room for improvement.

During seasons of change or busyness, here are some thoughts to keep in mind:

1. Be on the look out for ways to serve your spouse.

While Justin’s love language* is words of affirmation through and through, I am finding that right now acts of service mean a great deal too. Yesterday I spent the day washing the cars and mowing the lawn because I knew it would be greatly appreciated.

Taking on a household responsibility that would normally fall to the shoulders of your spouse can lighten their load. Or perhaps you are both equally busy and neither of you can take on more responsibility. In that instance, maybe you could work together on a task to show you support each other and are on the same team. It could even mean that hiring someone else to help out for the time being would prove to be the biggest blessing you could give one another. Take time to consider how you can best serve each other and follow through.

2. Make room in your life to practice introspection and quiet.

If you’re anything like me, during busy seasons introspection is the first thing to go.  Healthy eating, regular exercise, adequate sleep, healthy relational connections all seem to fade away. Though this is typical it’s not wise.  Taking a few minutes each day to evaluate what is most important and then living that out is essential.

As a believer in Christ, I know the importance of staying connected to God and it’s my chief desire to glorify Him in all I do.  By making time to sit quietly and have my mind renewed, I am being far more productive than if I were to start immediately on my “to do” list. Consider today how you can leave margin in your life in order to sit quietly and reflectively. The ability to do this will impact how you move through your day and accomplish the tasks set before you.

“Exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world.” ~ Lysa TerKeurst

3. Adopt a “what works best now” mindset.

“Always” and “Never” kind of thinking during seasons of busyness or change can be detrimental. It is selfishness that thinks everything should remain the same all the time. Stamp out selfishness by learning to accept and look for the ways love is showing up in your relationship.  Voice concerns if the period of neglect is turning into a habit of neglect but understanding that for the time being, what is working now, may not be permanent.

These are just a few of the things that I am trying to apply to our marriage right now and thought you might be able to use them as well. Please feel free to share what works for you during your most busy times in life.

* For more information on love languages, check out the book 5 Love Languages or the website.

Sex in a Box: Introduction

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“Hey Dad, I’m reading a book I think you would enjoy. Why don’t you peruse it to see if you would want to read it.”

My dad, the always and forever English teacher replied, “Megan, did you know that peruse actually means ‘to read intently’? So no, I’m not interested in perusing it right now but I’m more than willing to glance over it.” (Spoken in good fun and with a smile.)

I laughed and gave my Dad a quizzical look. Apparently I’ve been using the word peruse incorrectly my whole life. In my desire to sound somewhat educated, to prove I could use big girl vocabulary, I pulled out a word that I thought I understood. Turns out I didn’t really understand it at all. I think the same can be said about sex. Clear pictures, experiences and expectations accompany the word sex in our minds.  Each of us have thoughts when we hear the word sex and those thoughts form and develop our understanding of sex. The only problem with that is that so often we don’t understand the greater context and story into which sex was placed. We place the word sex in a box and tie it up neatly, believing we fully understand what it means.

“Freedom may be found behind closed doors” has always been our tag line here at Do Not Disturb Blog.  It truly is our desire to provide practical and spiritual truths about marriage and the sexual relationship for married couples.  We believe it is possible to experience freedom in sexual intimacy by understanding that sex is a gift from God to married couples. In order to experience this freedom though, each individual has to dismantle preconceived opinions concerning how they think about sex. A person has to be willing to take sex out of the box and understand it in a larger context. For the sake of this series we will examine and consider what we believe God says is the proper context for sex and how our “boxes” must be broken down to experience true sexual freedom.

The first several posts (1per week) will examine the most common sexual “boxes”. Then we will offer some suggestions on how to break down those boxes and begin a journey towards sexual freedom. We hope that you will join us on this journey and that you will feel free to comment and participate in conversation.

*This series will cover much of the subject matter we raised a few weeks ago in our post: Compartmentalization: Spirituality vs. Sexuality. We have since revamped how to approach the subject. Thanks for your understanding.

Linking with: Happy Wives Club, To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage

Marriage Challenge: Personal Pursuits and a Question

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Personal development is important to a healthy marriage relationship. Pursuing goals and personal passions can enhance the experiences and habits you bring to your marriage. In our marriage, we share common interests but we also have personal interests we pursue.  The same could probably be said of your marriage. Perhaps one of you likes to train for marathon racing. Maybe one of you plays a team sport.  We know a couple where the wife enjoys being a unicyclist for sport and fun. We might add, that while her husband supports this, he has not developed the same personal pursuit.

Providing margin in our lives to have time for personal pursuits is healthy and beneficial for marriage.  But as with most things, when taken to the extreme, following our passions can place our marriages on parallel roads rather than keeping us on the same course.  The marriage challenge today is to examine whether or not your personal pursuits are enhancing your marriage or being used as a means of escape.  Take time to consider (make a list if you want) the personal pursuits for which you carve out time. Consider the ways your personal pursuit detracts from or enhances your relationship.  Evaluating what is or is not working in your relationship is important and the only people who can do that evaluating is you and your spouse. Take the time to assess how your personal development is healthy and what you can do if it borders on escape rather than enhancement.

Question: Are the things I am personally pursuing right now being used to enhance my marriage or as a means of escape?

Leave a comment about how your pursuits enhance your marriage. Also, feel free to share about a time when personal pursuits may have been used as an escape and how you dealt with that.

Related post: The Marriage Road: Keeping Your Eye on the Road

Run Fast or Run Far?

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“To run fast, run by yourself. To run far, run with others.” African Proverb

My (Megan) Mother recently shared the above quote with me and I knew I wanted to share it with you.  While I can’t say that I know much about running (besides a few 5k’s) I think the proverb is incredibly applicable to marriage. Here are some of my thoughts on what key elements are necessary in order to run far in your marriage.

1. Run with your spouse.

Marriage is not about competing ideals and individual pursuits, it’s about becoming one flesh. Knowing and being known.  If we want a marriage that lasts we must find ways as a couple to encourage strengths and compliment each others weaknesses.  Work together to build your best marriage. Find a stride that works for both of you.

2. Run with expectancy.

Expectancy is different than expectations. Expectations are dependent on other people, dependent on the details. We’ve already written a great deal on unmet expectations and how they impact marriages.  Expectancy on the other hand, is a hopeful anticipation. Anticipation that we can run the marriage race, that marriage can be great and that marriage is worth the effort.

3. Run with knowledge. (And apply it!)

Marriage is not always easy.  There are so many aspects to our individual lives that need addressed that when we add our issues to the issues of another person, well…you know.  It can be really hard.  That said, there are so many ressources that can equip us with tools that help us deal with the issues that serve to hinder progress in marriage.  From books, to seminars, to blogs and podcasts there are countless avenues to increase our knowledge of how to improve, encourage and grow our marriage.

Part of running with knowledge also comes from running with and knowing other married couples.  It’s important to have people in our lives who are supportive of marriage, who understand the difficulties and are willing to be open and honest about struggles.  Surrounding our marriages with couples who can encourage us and support us, yes, that’s running with others.

4. Run with God.

Marriage after all is His idea.  From the beginning, marriage has been set apart as God’s gift to humans.  Marriage fulfills loneliness and longing. Marriage is the context for healthy families. Marriage is the ultimate earthly expression of His own love for us.  If we want to run far in marriage, then we must know what the author of marriage has to say about it.

Chime in:

What aspects of your marriage do you believe are enabling you to run far? What aspect do you believe you may need to incorporate?

Connectivity and Sex

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Sex is about connection. It’s about fun and games. It’s meant to bring a married couple together to share in something that is exclusive.  An exclusive moment of knowing and being known at the deepest level.  This is what sex is all about.  However, knowing all these incredible reasons doesn’t seem to eliminate how challenging it can be to make sex a priority.  See if you can relate to any of these common reasons people choose not to have sex.

  • too tired
  • too busy
  • no energy
  • too much work to do
  • don’t feel sexy
  • relational conflict (with spouse or others)
  • lack of connection/conversation throughout the day
  • it doesn’t feel good
  • our relationship needs help!
  • demands of the day (work, kids, family, house, bills etc) are overwhelming

A long list that probably doesn’t include half the reasons and excuses that shove sex to the bottom of the “to do” list.  We are unable to address all of those issues in one post but today we are going to share 4 ways to feel connected to your spouse throughout the day.  Trying these ‘touch-points of connection’ may just revive your desire to connect physically and intimately.

1. Begin your day with a smile, a kiss and a kind word.  It seems simple, maybe too simple, but what have you got to lose?  Starting the day with affection and touch can be a good way to boost the intimacy in your relationship.  A kiss, kind word and tender moment at the beginning of the day can help set the tone for the rest of the day.  Your marriage is supposed to be set apart from the rest of your relationships, so do something that truly sets it apart.  If your spouse is used to a rushed  and hectic morning encounter, determine what changes you need to make in order to give your spouse your best.

2. Communicate with your spouse throughout the day.  There are a number of ways that you can let your spouse know that you are thinking about them throughout the day.  It could be a simple lunchbox note or handwritten note in their car.  Maybe an email or text during the day.  And though our tech savvy culture may snicker at the archaic devise called a phone, it just might be the point of connection your marriage needs.  Take into consideration what communication works best for you and your spouse then follow through and begin regularly communicating. (check out these 5 text your should send your spouse from Messy Marriage)

3. Think about your spouse throughout the day.  While it is wonderful to actually communicate with your spouse, thinking about them is also very beneficial.  Set up reminders (or what we call “triggers”) throughout your day that entice you to remember your spouse.  Simple and mundane tasks take on new meaning if you are purposefully turning your mind and heart towards your spouse.  Don’t underestimate the importance of mentally and emotionally connecting to your spouse throughout the day.

4. Pray for your spouse. There is an incredibly powerful connection that is possible when we pray for our spouse.  Whether we are praying about specific concerns our spouse has shared with us or praying for more general well being, God can change the course of our marriage when we are willing to bring our prayers to Him.  There are many great resources available to help you learn to pray for your spouse and we would encourage you to use them.  Consistency however is the key.  Consistently pray for all different aspect of your marriage and watch God work.

“This post doesn’t have anything to do with sex” you may be saying right now. That may appear true as we didn’t address many of the excuses in our list.  It’s our belief though, that these ‘touch-points of connection’ can help revive your marriage.  A great sex life comes from the overflow of a strong marriage.  So if you want a great sex life begin by working on having a stronger marriage.

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Join the conversation:

How have you found that connectivity during the day helps you desire connectivity in the bedroom?

Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage, Happy Wives Club

Keeping Our Marriage Strong: We do…

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We do real. 

No need for perfection. No need to pretend everything is “fine”. No need to make everything appear pretty.  By accepting where we are now we find the opportunity to grow.

I (Jesus) came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. John 10:10 (The Message) (emphasis ours)

We do grace.

We inhale from God and exhale to others that which we need. Grace.  Only when we recognize how much we need grace and mercy in our everyday, walking around life can we freely grant it to those we love most.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Ephesians 2:8 (NLT)

We do the present.

It’s important to know where we have been. Take inventory and understand how we got here. But we will not rehash every tiny detail of hurt, pain and fault involved.  We look back to gain understanding, not to condemn. Continue moving forward one step at a time.

Do not remember the past events, pay no attention to things of old.
Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it?
Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19

We do connection.

Talk. Touch. Time.  Three essentials to keep the connection alive. We make the choice to fulfill our spouses needs for connectivity and love, recognizing this is necessary to strengthen our marriage.

We do empathy.

Develop a desire to understand. We allow our spouse to think differently, respond differently and feel differently.  Accepting that we are in fact different people, but it is those differences that make us who we are and brought us together.

We do love.

We recognize that love is a choice.  Love covers, love encourages, love endures.

We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. 1 John 3:16

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What “We do…” phrase would you add to our list?

Bloggers: Would you consider writing a “We do…” marriage list and linking in the comments? It is our desire for other couples to see that marriages are never perfect but there is hope for better tomorrows.  Consider adding your voice (linking back if you would like) and showing the world what real marriages are about.  Thanks!

Linking with: Messy Marriage, To Love Honor and Vacuum

13 Realities of Married Sex: #13 Sex is an Adventure

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If I (Megan) could choose a musician to compose a soundtrack for my life there is no doubt who I  would choose,  John Williams.  Composer of some of the most iconic film scores of the last 4 decades.  I have always appreciated the way he captures the suspense of the moment, the excitement of victory and the thrill of the adventure.  I wonder what the score of my life would sound like? What melodies would accompany my driving  kids to & from school? What refrain would be associated with my washing the dishes or doing the laundry?  What theme would be associated with my marriage? My sex life? While I don’t have a sound track to accompany the story of my life, I believe I am living in the midst of a great adventure.

Each of our lives is telling a story. Our stories contain moments of excitement, victory, defeat, romance, hurt, and so much more.  All of these moments are part of the adventure of life on planet earth.  For those of us who are married, sex is just another aspect of our adventure.  We have been writing about the 13 realities of married sex for a while now, but here’s the thing, we don’t know your story.  We don’t know your situation.  When we write about sex we do so from what we believe to be a biblical standpoint.  A view which encourages sexual freedom within the marriage relationship.  We write from our own personal experience and from knowledge gained from talking with and counseling others.  However, we understand that we don’t know it all.

Perhaps the reality of married sex for you is vastly different than what we have written about. Perhaps we haven’t even begun to address how great or how awful your situation really is.  That’s why we are wrapping up this series with this thought: sex is an adventure.

And here’s the thing – you get to choose how to live that adventure!  Just remember that every good adventure includes ups and downs.  Good and bad.  We have seen many couples resign themselves to a ho-hum sex life because they just don’t believe it’s worth a great deal of effort.  Or maybe it’s that the past or current reality of their sex life is considered too painful to address.  Our message to those couples: Don’t give up!  Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed in marriage.  Sex is meant to strengthen and build up marriage.  Sex is meant to be an adventure.

So, take the opportunity to consider where your sex life currently is and move towards better understanding.  It may be that you need to rewrite your story.  It may be that you need to deal with your sexual past.  Have the conversation with yourself. Or maybe you just need to grow in your understanding of what sex really is.

Having a strong marriage and great sex life is not automatic.  It requires effort, time and lots of work.  It requires an adventurous spirit and a desire to move forward.  While we can’t identify every road you will travel in your sex life, be assured the adventure is worth it.  Your theme song is yet to be finalized, and in the end, it is you who will compose the music that can played to the adventure of your sex life.

Linking with: Messy Marriage, To Love Honor and Vacuum