The following song has very little to do with sex. Nevertheless, the relationship here is unfortunately very characteristic of many marriages in our culture. In fact, just the other day I (Justin) had the opportunity to return something to the store.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: I need to return these.

Clerk: Is there anything wrong with them?

Me: Nope, my wife just prefers something a little different.

Clerk: *being humorous* Oh…those wives!

Me: Yeah, I know.  I love mine to pieces.  She’s fantastic.

Clerk: Wow…that’s great.  That’s not something you hear very much of these days, that’s for sure.

It was obvious she knew of many marriages that were struggling on some level.  And this song shows the current state of how many in our culture view marriage (perhaps even their own):

Our guess is, couples who relate to this well-sung song by “The Civil Wars” don’t just have a struggling marriage relationship, they have a poor sex life, too.  We mentioned before that Sex is Always Changing.  And while sex is always changing, there is one aspect of sex that doesn’t change, it’s necessity.  In fact, take just a few seconds to repeat after us:

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

“What if somebody is sick or injured, are you saying they can’t have a healthy marriage?”  No, we’re not saying that. We’re saying that if a husband and wife are relatively healthy, their marriage, their personalities, their friendships, their parenting, and even their physical and emotional health will all benefit from a thriving sex life.

“Wait just a minute! My husband and I have a great marriage.  We’re best friends. We’re very social with others.  And neither of us have a high sex drive…but we have a healthy marriage.”

That may be so, but there is a difference between being sexually satisfied and being sexually fulfilled.  Our guess is, one person in a marriage such as this continually tells the other they’re satisfied, but out of respect for their spouse isn’t willing to say they’re unfulfilled.

Again, you may disagree.  But we remain very convinced:

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

Sex is necessary for a healthy marriage.

In fact, we would go as far to say that a sexless marriage (let’s define ‘sexless’ as anything less than consistent weekly sex) is in danger.  Perhaps the marriage itself isn’t in danger, but certain aspects of a healthy marriage are.  These dangers include:

1. Loss of connection. 

A couple needs to connect.  Yes a couple can (and should) have moments of intimacy that lead to greater connection in their friendship, their companionship, and their marriage.  But the connection these moments provide are not holistic in nature.  One moment may help the couple to connect emotionally, and other may help them connect spiritually.  But sex gives the opportunity for a couple to connect holistically on every level.  It glues the couple together, providing security, comfort, and a bond that both men and women need.  To go through married life without regularly experiencing this type of intimate bonding and gluing of man to wife is to cut off a very special form of connection.

2. Loss of exclusivity. 

Sex is only meant to be shared between one man and one women in the context of marriage.  This means that sex is exclusive to marriage.  Not participating in this sacred bond is to not participate in something set apart by God Himself.  Sex has been set apart, by God, specifically for you and your marriage.  It’s a gift.  A gift to be enjoyed, not hidden in a closet.  A gift to be remembered, not forgotten.  A gift to hold onto, not let go of.  Use that gift that was created exclusively for you and your marriage.

3. Loss of passion. 

Passion is largely an emotional state. It is found through affection, enthusiasm and fascination.  Read those words again:

Affection.

Enthusiasm.

Fascination.

This may be affection toward your spouse’s body, mind and soul. Enthusiasm to please them and to be pleased.  Fascination as to the wonders of your spouse’s curves, smell, or taste.  Sex provides all of these and more.  It provides passion.  Never let your passion be at a loss.

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Discuss with your spouse:

1. Do you agree that sex is ‘necessary’ for a healthy marriage?  Why or why not?

2. Do you believe our marriage is experiencing a loss of connection, exclusivity, or passion in any way?

3. Challenge: Think about the difference between being sexually satisfied and sexually fulfilled.  Are you completely fulfilled in your current sex life?  If not, what can I do to help you be completely fulfilled?

Sex is a lot of things.  It’s fun.  It’s intimate.  It’s vulnerable.  It’s…well, too many things to write into one post!  Therefore, we thought it would be good to start off the New Year with a new series: 13 Realities of Sex in Marriage.

Earlier in our marriage we purchased magnetic poetry for our refrigerator.  While the majority of ‘creative’ poetry we came up with was based on nature (or other common poetic themes), we occasionally wrote something a little more…well, erotic.  There was nothing like walking to the refrigerator for a glass of iced tea and then see something like this posted for the other to see. (If you’re curious about the ‘garden’ reference, feel free to check out Song of Songs 4:16-5:1.)

Twelve years later, we just busted out the magnetic poetry once more.  Only now, we have a couple of children who are getting more and more inquisitive as the days go by.  Therefore, something tells us that we won’t be publishing too much ‘code’ on the refrigerator in the near future.  Even still, we both know that sex is meant to be poetic.  Poetry, by definition, is used to express both feelings and ideas and is done so in rhythmic patterns.  Sound familiar?  And while sex in marriage could be described in many poetic aspects, we’ll keep this post limited to the following:

Sex is poetry in action

We’ll be honest, we don’t read a great deal of poetry.  But we know that like other genres of writing, poetry often includes a hidden meaning.  The author is usually longing for something greater, or dreaming of something grander. They work tirelessly to put their dreams into words and by doing so, allow their dreams to become reality.

Similarly, when a married couple takes the opportunity to ‘connect’, they’re participating in an act that helps them experience something greater and grander than the everyday life.  He often goes to work dreaming of accomplishing the impossible.  She may wonder if she’s truly fulfilling her dreams.  But when they disappear under the sheets, they’re like a poet putting their pen to paper.  Dreams become a reality for a short period of time and then before you know it, it’s time to put pen to paper again, and experience the impossible once more.

Sex is poetry in motion

Poets don’t only have the task of writing words, but their phrases have to have a specific rhythm to them.  This rhythm may be different depending on the time period and culture of their writing, but after reading enough of their poems, it’s easy to see how they’re able to tie one thought right into another through their words.  Study their writings long enough and you’ll begin to fully understand their entire worldview.

Similarly, sex gives the opportunity to know your spouse in countless ways. You know what makes them smile, giggle, blush, and even climax.  But these discoveries are dependent upon studying your spouse’s sexual cadence for a long period of time.  You have to know their love language, their body, their emotions, and their sexual rhythm.  Once you know their rhythm and they know yours, you can then work together to keep your rhythm in sync with one another.  Write enough ‘poetry’ together and you’ll create your own rhythm.  A rhythm that you, and only you will know and understand as your love for one another deepens even more.

Sex is poetry in words

Poets know their own thoughts and emotions extremely well.  So well, in fact, that they will spend countless hours wrestling through how to describe them in words.  But when the moment is just right, their words flow effortlessly and they are able to communicate deep truths that help both themselves and the reader long for more.

Similarly, many couples know exactly how they feel about their spouse, but don’t always know how to put their thoughts and emotions into words. But in those secret moments behind closed doors, they’re able to physically, emotionally, and spiritually communicate deep love for one another.  They are able to physically accept one another in full, emotionally accept that their love for one another is very real, and spiritually accept that they are one flesh.  In those secret moments when everything is communicated just right, you’ll both be left completely fulfilled, yet longing for more.

On a final note, poets don’t just take time to think about life and how to put their thoughts and feelings into words, they also think about how to be a better poet.  So, if you’re looking for a worthy goal for 2013, don’t just think about taking more opportunities to make sexual poetry together…that’s a given.  But take opportunities to think about how you can make your sex life even better.  And like a good poet, always believe that there’s another poem to be written.  Always believe the effort it takes is worth it.  Always believe that your next poem will be better than the last.

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Discuss with your spouse:

1. What first comes to your mind when you think of sex as poetry?

2. Poetry in action; poetry in motion; poetry in words – which one resonates most with you?  Why?

3. Challenge: Take the opportunity to read Song of Songs this week with your spouse. Write out one verse to him/her each day from your reading, and think about how you can implement that verse in your marriage…that night!