Marriage Challenge: Personal Pursuits and a Question

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Personal development is important to a healthy marriage relationship. Pursuing goals and personal passions can enhance the experiences and habits you bring to your marriage. In our marriage, we share common interests but we also have personal interests we pursue.  The same could probably be said of your marriage. Perhaps one of you likes to train for marathon racing. Maybe one of you plays a team sport.  We know a couple where the wife enjoys being a unicyclist for sport and fun. We might add, that while her husband supports this, he has not developed the same personal pursuit.

Providing margin in our lives to have time for personal pursuits is healthy and beneficial for marriage.  But as with most things, when taken to the extreme, following our passions can place our marriages on parallel roads rather than keeping us on the same course.  The marriage challenge today is to examine whether or not your personal pursuits are enhancing your marriage or being used as a means of escape.  Take time to consider (make a list if you want) the personal pursuits for which you carve out time. Consider the ways your personal pursuit detracts from or enhances your relationship.  Evaluating what is or is not working in your relationship is important and the only people who can do that evaluating is you and your spouse. Take the time to assess how your personal development is healthy and what you can do if it borders on escape rather than enhancement.

Question: Are the things I am personally pursuing right now being used to enhance my marriage or as a means of escape?

Leave a comment about how your pursuits enhance your marriage. Also, feel free to share about a time when personal pursuits may have been used as an escape and how you dealt with that.

Related post: The Marriage Road: Keeping Your Eye on the Road

Insecurity and the need to be “sure”

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Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  “Pooh!” he whispered.  “Yes, Piglet?”  “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.  “I just wanted to be sure of you.”  ~A.A. Milne

Have you ever felt that way? Had a desire that you just want to be “sure” of your spouse? Maybe you have felt that way after a betrayal.  Maybe you need that “sure” feeling in the midst of a very stressful season that has brought on some form of insecurity.  Doubt and insecurity can find their way into the cracks and crevices of even the strongest of marriage relationships.  Times of stress, discontent, unaddressed conflict and unhealed pain enhance the fact that we all need assurance from time to time that our spouse is for us and with us in this life. That we are facing all of life’s challenges and troubles…together.

Here are a few things to be aware of when the need for assurance and security arise in your life or the life of your spouse.

Proximity matters. It goes without saying that spending time together in all types of settings increases security, in being “sure” of your spouse. If it’s been awhile since you have spent quality time with your spouse, make a plan to do that soon.

Honesty matters. If you are feeling insecure speak to your spouse about it.  If we fail to speak up about what is going on we fail to give our spouse the opportunity to quell our fears.  Allowing our spouse to speak truth into our fears and misgivings is one of the greatest benefits of marriage. If your spouse is the one struggling, take time to speak encouraging words into their life. Develop a positive word culture in your marriage and consciously choose to build up your spouse.

Growth matters. We all pass through different seasons of life.  Fearing change or trying to control everything chokes out the ability to grow.  Observing times in our lives in which we are entering a new season or that our spouse is entering a new season can help us learn how to make our marriage stronger. Make the choice to grow through open communication and support from outside friendships and resources.

Intimacy matters. Don’t let emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy take a back seat to a busy or disordered life.  Make time to connect and reap the benefits of feeling closer, feeling fulfilled, feeling satisfied. While initially it may mean making a decision of the will to connect intimately, following through can actually increase the desire to connect over and over again.

Walking through life together is what marriage is all about. During the ups and the downs. The unknown and the difficult. Marriage is a blessing that can and does give us the ability to face all of life with a certain level of security and assurance that we are not alone. Today, think about the ways that you and your spouse can help each other be “sure” of your relationship.

Linking with: Happy Wives Club, Messy Marriage,Women Living Well, To Love Honor and Vacuum

Re-post: Identity Crisis

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This is a re-post from May 15, 2012:

Over the last several months, I (Megan) have been wrestling through some identity issues.  I don’t really need to go into details in this post but I tell you this because I know that most, if not all, marriages will encounter a season where one spouse goes through an identity crisis of sorts.  Re-evaluation of self worth and identity often happens when big or difficult life changes occur.  Since marriage is supposed to be the one constant relationship that weathers these life changes, it stands to reason our marriages will encounter some identity crisis.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if your spouse is struggling with difficult questions and trying to figure out what the best next steps are for their life.

1.  Support rather than condemn.

Wrestling through the BIG questions in life is never easy and sometimes leaves one feeling condemned or alone.  When it’s your spouse wrestling through these questions, they already feel the complexities of life and may want to try to figure out the answers by themselves.  In this situation, you only have two options.  You can either 1) react or 2) respond.  To react is the choice of most individuals, and isn’t always done with your spouses best interest at heart.  To react is to do so swiftly, and oftentimes negatively.  But when you respond, you take the time to appreciate who they are, encouraging them to better explore and understand who God made them to be.  Taking time to think it through and respond accordingly means only good things for the marriage relationship as a whole.

2.  Love them just because.

There are many reasons you love your spouse.  They are kind.  They are funny.  They are thoughtful.  They are sexy.  They are…  When your spouse is wrestling through something, take the opportunity to remind them of these things.

But remember: during an identity crisis, these reasons may not always seem apparent.  Some of these characteristics may even change through time.  Does this mean you love your spouse any less than the day you married them?  Of course not!  In marriage, you love your spouse…not the individual characteristics of your spouse.  Help them find their identity within themselves and the person God created them to be, not the individual characteristics they act out each and every day.  Love them the way you promised to on your wedding day.  Love them the same way God loves them (1 Corinthians 13).  Love them, because they’re worth it.

3. Develop a network of supportive relationships.

This is important for both you and your spouse.  Your spouse needs people in their life to be honest and real with.  Unfortunately, the times when we need others most are often the times we isolate ourselves from others the most.  If your spouse is needy and does not have supportive relationships, that need for support often falls onto you.  When you feel you can’t give anymore, take the opportunity to rely on those in your circle of friends who can give you energy and encouragement to continue giving your spouse what they need from you.

4. Find something to laugh about together.

Laughter is a gift.  It’s good for you.  It’s great stress relief.  It’s helps you forget about your day, a day that was anything but ‘positive and encouraging’.  That being said, we know there are times when laughter just doesn’t come easily.  During these times, try to find something to bring humor into your spouses life.  It could be anything from a joke, to a comedy movie, to tickling them with a feather while naked.  When they know you can make them laugh even when they’re in the midst of an identity crisis, it helps them find a part of their identity directly in you.  And that may be the small nudge they needed to help discover the rest of it.

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How do you help encourage your spouse when they’re struggling with their identity?  Feel free to leave a tip in the comments below.

Linking with: Messy Marriage, To Love Honor and Vacuum

Compartmentalization: Spirituality vs. Sexuality

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People have thoughts about God.  People have thoughts about sex. Unfortunately, many people don’t ever consider thinking about God and sex in the same context.  Many hold the view that there is nothing Godly about sex or that God even cares.  This simply is not true.  God desires to be part of every aspect of our lives and the physical union a husband and wife share is of the utmost importance to him.  God has blessed physical union in marriage.  There is no separation between the body and the soul, the spiritual and the sexual.  God made us sexual beings with passions and desires but He also made us spiritual beings.

The danger in separating our sexual desires and our spiritual aspirations is that we begin to live compartmentalized lives, in one compartment are spiritual aspirations and in another are secular aspirations.  God desires that every part of our life (yes that includes our sex life) glorifies and honors Him and He does not want us to compartmentalize our lives.

We would like to explore this idea a bit more through a few more posts on the subject but would love to hear your thoughts on the subject.  Please comment and let us know your thoughts and opinions on why people tend to compartmentalize their lives.

Here are a few questions to provide some food for thought:

  1. In what ways do you tend to separate your spirituality from your sexuality?  What circumstances or attitudes have contributed to this thinking?
  2. Romans 11:36 – “For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory.” (emphasis ours)  Do you believe sex is included in this “everything”?  Explain why.
  3. God has given the gift of sexual intimacy to married couples as a picture of our spiritual intimacy with Christ.  Read Eph. 5:31-32.  How do these verses influence your perspective on intimacy?

“God is not covering his eyes in embarrassment nor is he aghast at his creation’s activity during sexual intercourse.  He created the whole idea and is actually smiling because we are enjoying his gift to us.”  Dr. Larry and Kathy Collard Miller

Run Fast or Run Far?

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“To run fast, run by yourself. To run far, run with others.” African Proverb

My (Megan) Mother recently shared the above quote with me and I knew I wanted to share it with you.  While I can’t say that I know much about running (besides a few 5k’s) I think the proverb is incredibly applicable to marriage. Here are some of my thoughts on what key elements are necessary in order to run far in your marriage.

1. Run with your spouse.

Marriage is not about competing ideals and individual pursuits, it’s about becoming one flesh. Knowing and being known.  If we want a marriage that lasts we must find ways as a couple to encourage strengths and compliment each others weaknesses.  Work together to build your best marriage. Find a stride that works for both of you.

2. Run with expectancy.

Expectancy is different than expectations. Expectations are dependent on other people, dependent on the details. We’ve already written a great deal on unmet expectations and how they impact marriages.  Expectancy on the other hand, is a hopeful anticipation. Anticipation that we can run the marriage race, that marriage can be great and that marriage is worth the effort.

3. Run with knowledge. (And apply it!)

Marriage is not always easy.  There are so many aspects to our individual lives that need addressed that when we add our issues to the issues of another person, well…you know.  It can be really hard.  That said, there are so many ressources that can equip us with tools that help us deal with the issues that serve to hinder progress in marriage.  From books, to seminars, to blogs and podcasts there are countless avenues to increase our knowledge of how to improve, encourage and grow our marriage.

Part of running with knowledge also comes from running with and knowing other married couples.  It’s important to have people in our lives who are supportive of marriage, who understand the difficulties and are willing to be open and honest about struggles.  Surrounding our marriages with couples who can encourage us and support us, yes, that’s running with others.

4. Run with God.

Marriage after all is His idea.  From the beginning, marriage has been set apart as God’s gift to humans.  Marriage fulfills loneliness and longing. Marriage is the context for healthy families. Marriage is the ultimate earthly expression of His own love for us.  If we want to run far in marriage, then we must know what the author of marriage has to say about it.

Chime in:

What aspects of your marriage do you believe are enabling you to run far? What aspect do you believe you may need to incorporate?

Connectivity and Sex

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Sex is about connection. It’s about fun and games. It’s meant to bring a married couple together to share in something that is exclusive.  An exclusive moment of knowing and being known at the deepest level.  This is what sex is all about.  However, knowing all these incredible reasons doesn’t seem to eliminate how challenging it can be to make sex a priority.  See if you can relate to any of these common reasons people choose not to have sex.

  • too tired
  • too busy
  • no energy
  • too much work to do
  • don’t feel sexy
  • relational conflict (with spouse or others)
  • lack of connection/conversation throughout the day
  • it doesn’t feel good
  • our relationship needs help!
  • demands of the day (work, kids, family, house, bills etc) are overwhelming

A long list that probably doesn’t include half the reasons and excuses that shove sex to the bottom of the “to do” list.  We are unable to address all of those issues in one post but today we are going to share 4 ways to feel connected to your spouse throughout the day.  Trying these ‘touch-points of connection’ may just revive your desire to connect physically and intimately.

1. Begin your day with a smile, a kiss and a kind word.  It seems simple, maybe too simple, but what have you got to lose?  Starting the day with affection and touch can be a good way to boost the intimacy in your relationship.  A kiss, kind word and tender moment at the beginning of the day can help set the tone for the rest of the day.  Your marriage is supposed to be set apart from the rest of your relationships, so do something that truly sets it apart.  If your spouse is used to a rushed  and hectic morning encounter, determine what changes you need to make in order to give your spouse your best.

2. Communicate with your spouse throughout the day.  There are a number of ways that you can let your spouse know that you are thinking about them throughout the day.  It could be a simple lunchbox note or handwritten note in their car.  Maybe an email or text during the day.  And though our tech savvy culture may snicker at the archaic devise called a phone, it just might be the point of connection your marriage needs.  Take into consideration what communication works best for you and your spouse then follow through and begin regularly communicating. (check out these 5 text your should send your spouse from Messy Marriage)

3. Think about your spouse throughout the day.  While it is wonderful to actually communicate with your spouse, thinking about them is also very beneficial.  Set up reminders (or what we call “triggers”) throughout your day that entice you to remember your spouse.  Simple and mundane tasks take on new meaning if you are purposefully turning your mind and heart towards your spouse.  Don’t underestimate the importance of mentally and emotionally connecting to your spouse throughout the day.

4. Pray for your spouse. There is an incredibly powerful connection that is possible when we pray for our spouse.  Whether we are praying about specific concerns our spouse has shared with us or praying for more general well being, God can change the course of our marriage when we are willing to bring our prayers to Him.  There are many great resources available to help you learn to pray for your spouse and we would encourage you to use them.  Consistency however is the key.  Consistently pray for all different aspect of your marriage and watch God work.

“This post doesn’t have anything to do with sex” you may be saying right now. That may appear true as we didn’t address many of the excuses in our list.  It’s our belief though, that these ‘touch-points of connection’ can help revive your marriage.  A great sex life comes from the overflow of a strong marriage.  So if you want a great sex life begin by working on having a stronger marriage.

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Join the conversation:

How have you found that connectivity during the day helps you desire connectivity in the bedroom?

Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage, Happy Wives Club

Marriage Challenge: Unexpected Twists

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Task: Washing the car

Place: Local Car Wash Station (not automatic)

Unexpected Twist: Scented Bubble Soap from the foaming soap brush

Really!?!  Scented bubbles?

I am picturing a board room somewhere with a group of business execs devising a plan to make washing a car more pleasant. That made me think. Think about the fact that an unexpected twist to a routine or possibly even unpleasant task changed my perspective.  At first it made me laugh, but after that I was able to appreciate that it would benefit me to add some unexpected twists to my husband’s day.  Maybe it’s a sticky note on the counter as he puts away the dishes.  Maybe it’s an “all about him” approach to foreplay or sex one evening. An unexpected gift at an unexpected time. The list could go on and on.  Whatever it is that you can think of to make marriage memories, do it!

Great marriages include gestures of love… just because.  No ulterior motive. No search for approval.  Gestures that reach out and touch the one you love because you love them.  Take time today to think of a way that you can encourage, bless or shower your spouse with an unexpected twist.  They may laugh or think it silly at first but those are the moments that build great marriages.

Continue the conversation:

What unexpected twist do you have planned for your spouse?