Marriage Challenge: Third Time’s a Charm

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Today’s challenge is simply meant to add some fun, variety and entertainment to your sex life.

Marriage Challenge: Every third time you make love change one variable. After all, the third time’s a charm right?

The variable could be

  • location
  • position (at least to start with)
  • style of initiation
  • fragrance worn
  • vocalization (make some noise, different words, etc)
  • ambiance
  • what you wear
  • use your imagination!

Don’t let a drift in your sex life lead you away from one another. Keep it fresh and new, allowing your imagination and creativity to be used to the fullest extent.

Sexual Snooze Button

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This morning was a snooze kind of morning. Usually a morning person, this is a rarity.  I (Megan) enjoy the quiet house, the chirping birds and a few minutes of calm before my day starts. This morning however, my body was in no way ready to get going so I allowed myself to hit snooze and take full advantage of a few more minutes of sleep. After all, that’s what the snooze button is for.  If you’re a person who hits the snooze everyday, maybe even multiple times and you find that works for you, I won’t judge. But what about your sex life? Are you ever tempted to hit the sexual snooze button?

I regularly ask people in my life, “How are you doing?” The most common answers I hear are fine and/or busy.  Busy is just a way of life for most people.  Our society values productivity, success and the bottom line. Busyness is often seen as a way of accomplishing and living out those values. As a result, relationships take a beating, proper rest and rejuvenation is ignored and married couples sex lives suffer. Couples who find themselves in a “too busy” period of life, often and regularly hit the sexual snooze button.

Reasons for hitting the sexual snooze button are endless, so rather than list them here I would encourage you to consider the reasons you reach for that button.  Do you regularly hit snooze when you are: too tired? don’t have the energy? aren’t “feeling sexy”? it’s easier this way? Once you have thought about the reasons you have or do hit the sexual snooze button, here are a few things to consider.

1. Stamp out selfishness.

A healthy marital sex life is not concerned solely with self. When the sexual snooze button is regularly being hit out of convenience, selfish ambitions or outright refusal to give of yourself to please your spouse, something must be done about it.  Consider the benefits of sex in marriage (closeness, connection, fun, restoration) and choose to engage. Grow in your understanding of sex. Ask for help in healing from past sexual pain.  Keep moving forward. The benefit of the snooze button is not to sleep the whole day through, it’s to provide a few extra moments of preparation in order to get up and get to it. Put selfishness aside, engage fully and enjoy the benefits to your marriage when you pursue a vibrant sex life.

2. Allow the ebb and flow of sex drives to work for your marriage rather than against your marriage.

Healthy marriages can withstand the occasional snooze button moment.  However, a continued refusal to engage in sexual intimacy will harm the marriage.  A helpful way to allow the ebb and flow of your sex drives to work for your marriage rather than against you is to have open communication and mutual understanding. Love, respect and understanding must be the prominent attitudes that permeate your marriage and intimate lives. Learning how to communicate that a “not now” moment (snooze) doesn’t mean “never” is important. Allowing your spouse the occasional option to hit snooze shows a great deal of understanding and concern for their emotions and sensitivity to their sexual interest.

Of course, it’s equally important to note that there is great benefit in making the mental switch from “I really want to hit snooze right now” to thinking “I want to bless my spouse and be blessed.” Loving your spouse through the act of physical intimacy by responding rather than refusing their initiation is within your control. When your sex drives seem to be in opposition to one another, turn around and head in the same direction. Sex is not great because your drives match up 100% of the time, sex is great when you learn that you can give, you can receive and you can grow together.

3. Choose not to snooze!

Sex is an important and necessary part of marriage. Learning to make it a priority and keep it a priority even during the busy times of life will help solidify and strengthen your marriage.  Both Justin and I believe that sex is meant to be enjoyed and that sexual freedom is found in the confines of marriage, but we would be lying if we said we were always ready for sex. Busyness, tension, arguments, kids, sickness, laziness…all these and more show up in our marriage as much as they show up in yours.  Choosing our snooze moments carefully and rarely is a priority for us. We also live by our own advice, we choose not to snooze very often.  Consider how you can make your sex life better. It will require work, you’ll need to talk about it and find a workable solution for your snooze moments. In the end though, if you want a active and fulfilling sex life, choose not to snooze.

Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage

Learning to Listen

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I (Megan) must confess, I’ve a lot to learn about listening. I have no problem talking, but listening has been known to cause me problems.There are times when I get distracted or try to multitask while Justin is talking rather than giving him my full attention. Sometimes I  formulate my answer while he is still talking rather than listening and then appropriately responding. There are even times when I fill in words and finish sentence for the man because I believe I already know what he is going to say! Like I said, I have a LOT to learn about listening.

In talking with others I’ve found I’m not alone in my need to grow in this area. People are quick to blame stereotypes of men or women for not knowing how to listen but I believe it’s a human problem not just a male or female problem. At the root of a seeming inability to listen is a selfishness problem.  When we recognize that others have worth and value, that what they say should be given merit, then and only then can we begin the process of learning to listen.

Here are a few tips I am learning on my way to becoming a better listener.

1. Determine what kind of listening a situation requires.

  • Does the person speaking require my input or are they just venting?
  • Is this conversation primarily one of obtaining information or is it to gain understanding?
  • Is what I am listening to for my own enjoyment or is there need for an appropriate response?

While there is a great deal of overlap in most conversations, it can help to understand what action the person communicating will find most helpful.  I believe this article has a lot of great information on how to become a better active listener.

2. Listen with empathy.

Allowing others to feel, process and think differently is part of the human experience.  We are all different and acknowledging that in listening skills rather than holding fast to unworkable expectations will do wonders for building relationships.  Listening with a desire to understand and learn in place of defending and assuming is key to continued open dialogue.

3. Recognize listening as a gift.

Priscilla Shirer writes: “Listening is one of the most significant ways He (God) blesses us. Therefore, quite predictably, it’s one of the key ways we can bless others. So choose to listen. Resist the urge to criticize, insult, laugh, or make sarcastic remarks. Battle the press of time and urgency and the hunger to get away. Just lean in, quietly, emphatically, purposefully. And Listen. It’s your gift. Your blessing. Give it to whomever you can.”

Undivided attention. The desire to know and be known. True understanding. I want that in my marriage and I bet you do to. Recognizing that those gifts are ours to give just may be encouragement enough to make some changes.  I want to be a good gift giver in my marriage and if you do to, let’s make the effort to learn to be better listeners.

Join the conversation:

How have you or are you learning to be a better listener? What else would you add to our list?

Linking with: To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage

Seasons of Busyness or Change

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Change.

It’s one constant in life we can count on.

Unfortunately, knowing that change is part of life doesn’t always make it easier to accept. Right now, we are in the midst of some very exciting change in our personal lives.  Justin mentioned in our Frantic Friday post that we are in the midst of moving into a new facility with our church. As a pastor’s family we are extremely busy with last minute details, meetings and installations.  Feeling connected during this busy time is important to us but practically knowing how to stay connected is providing much room for improvement.

During seasons of change or busyness, here are some thoughts to keep in mind:

1. Be on the look out for ways to serve your spouse.

While Justin’s love language* is words of affirmation through and through, I am finding that right now acts of service mean a great deal too. Yesterday I spent the day washing the cars and mowing the lawn because I knew it would be greatly appreciated.

Taking on a household responsibility that would normally fall to the shoulders of your spouse can lighten their load. Or perhaps you are both equally busy and neither of you can take on more responsibility. In that instance, maybe you could work together on a task to show you support each other and are on the same team. It could even mean that hiring someone else to help out for the time being would prove to be the biggest blessing you could give one another. Take time to consider how you can best serve each other and follow through.

2. Make room in your life to practice introspection and quiet.

If you’re anything like me, during busy seasons introspection is the first thing to go.  Healthy eating, regular exercise, adequate sleep, healthy relational connections all seem to fade away. Though this is typical it’s not wise.  Taking a few minutes each day to evaluate what is most important and then living that out is essential.

As a believer in Christ, I know the importance of staying connected to God and it’s my chief desire to glorify Him in all I do.  By making time to sit quietly and have my mind renewed, I am being far more productive than if I were to start immediately on my “to do” list. Consider today how you can leave margin in your life in order to sit quietly and reflectively. The ability to do this will impact how you move through your day and accomplish the tasks set before you.

“Exchange whispers with God before shouts with the world.” ~ Lysa TerKeurst

3. Adopt a “what works best now” mindset.

“Always” and “Never” kind of thinking during seasons of busyness or change can be detrimental. It is selfishness that thinks everything should remain the same all the time. Stamp out selfishness by learning to accept and look for the ways love is showing up in your relationship.  Voice concerns if the period of neglect is turning into a habit of neglect but understanding that for the time being, what is working now, may not be permanent.

These are just a few of the things that I am trying to apply to our marriage right now and thought you might be able to use them as well. Please feel free to share what works for you during your most busy times in life.

* For more information on love languages, check out the book 5 Love Languages or the website.

Sex in a Box: Introduction

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“Hey Dad, I’m reading a book I think you would enjoy. Why don’t you peruse it to see if you would want to read it.”

My dad, the always and forever English teacher replied, “Megan, did you know that peruse actually means ‘to read intently’? So no, I’m not interested in perusing it right now but I’m more than willing to glance over it.” (Spoken in good fun and with a smile.)

I laughed and gave my Dad a quizzical look. Apparently I’ve been using the word peruse incorrectly my whole life. In my desire to sound somewhat educated, to prove I could use big girl vocabulary, I pulled out a word that I thought I understood. Turns out I didn’t really understand it at all. I think the same can be said about sex. Clear pictures, experiences and expectations accompany the word sex in our minds.  Each of us have thoughts when we hear the word sex and those thoughts form and develop our understanding of sex. The only problem with that is that so often we don’t understand the greater context and story into which sex was placed. We place the word sex in a box and tie it up neatly, believing we fully understand what it means.

“Freedom may be found behind closed doors” has always been our tag line here at Do Not Disturb Blog.  It truly is our desire to provide practical and spiritual truths about marriage and the sexual relationship for married couples.  We believe it is possible to experience freedom in sexual intimacy by understanding that sex is a gift from God to married couples. In order to experience this freedom though, each individual has to dismantle preconceived opinions concerning how they think about sex. A person has to be willing to take sex out of the box and understand it in a larger context. For the sake of this series we will examine and consider what we believe God says is the proper context for sex and how our “boxes” must be broken down to experience true sexual freedom.

The first several posts (1per week) will examine the most common sexual “boxes”. Then we will offer some suggestions on how to break down those boxes and begin a journey towards sexual freedom. We hope that you will join us on this journey and that you will feel free to comment and participate in conversation.

*This series will cover much of the subject matter we raised a few weeks ago in our post: Compartmentalization: Spirituality vs. Sexuality. We have since revamped how to approach the subject. Thanks for your understanding.

Linking with: Happy Wives Club, To Love Honor and Vacuum, Messy Marriage

Frantic Friday Update: The Finish Line to the Starting Line

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Ever end a really big project only to jump right into another one?  This seems to our story over the past several months.  Here’s a little taste as to what we’ve been up to:

Justin’s World:

I’m totally into the TV Series “Fringe” right now.  I recognize it’s not everybody’s cup of tea, and that for those who do enjoy that sort of thing, I’m about 3-4 years late to the party.  Nevertheless, I may be late to the party, but I still walk out with the most beautiful woman in the room – my sexy wife!

I JUST finished a Spring semester class and was getting ready to take a deep breath.  However, the sigh of relief was very temporary as my university is flying in a professor from Oxford to teach a Summer course and he has kindly assigned 1700 pages of reading.  No time like the present to get started!

Finally, for those who may not know, I’m a pastor at a growing church and we’ve been renting a facility for our Sunday services for 8 years.  But in just a few short weeks we’re going to be moving in to our very own facility which has been under construction for the past 18 months.  Nevertheless, we are continually telling our congregation that this isn’t the finish line.  It’s simply a step in a very long journey to change the spiritual landscape of our city.  We’re moving in…but we’re still just getting started.

Megan’s World:

Megan has also been doing a lot of reading, and is currently enjoying Strangers and Aliens by our friend, Trey Dunham.  If you enjoy reading, we would strongly encourage you to pick this one up.  Trey’s writing is just remarkable.

Outside of that, Megan continues to stay busy here on our blog, volunteering in our children’s school, and always finds a way to have a hot meal on the table every day.  I really don’t know what else to say about her – she’s amazing!

That’s a brief look into our frantic lives, but through all the chaos we continually strive to keep our relationship with God a top priority, and our relationship with one another as a close second.  We learn together.  Laugh together.  Love together.  And when we’re done doing all those things…we simply return right back to the starting line.  Our lives are full of experiences.  But they’re experiences we always share – together.

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So, what do you do when you end a really big project or a busy season in life?  Do you take a little bit of a break, or do you jump right in to something else?  Is your life a series of sprints…or is it more of a long marathon?

 

Marriage Challenge: Personal Pursuits and a Question

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Personal development is important to a healthy marriage relationship. Pursuing goals and personal passions can enhance the experiences and habits you bring to your marriage. In our marriage, we share common interests but we also have personal interests we pursue.  The same could probably be said of your marriage. Perhaps one of you likes to train for marathon racing. Maybe one of you plays a team sport.  We know a couple where the wife enjoys being a unicyclist for sport and fun. We might add, that while her husband supports this, he has not developed the same personal pursuit.

Providing margin in our lives to have time for personal pursuits is healthy and beneficial for marriage.  But as with most things, when taken to the extreme, following our passions can place our marriages on parallel roads rather than keeping us on the same course.  The marriage challenge today is to examine whether or not your personal pursuits are enhancing your marriage or being used as a means of escape.  Take time to consider (make a list if you want) the personal pursuits for which you carve out time. Consider the ways your personal pursuit detracts from or enhances your relationship.  Evaluating what is or is not working in your relationship is important and the only people who can do that evaluating is you and your spouse. Take the time to assess how your personal development is healthy and what you can do if it borders on escape rather than enhancement.

Question: Are the things I am personally pursuing right now being used to enhance my marriage or as a means of escape?

Leave a comment about how your pursuits enhance your marriage. Also, feel free to share about a time when personal pursuits may have been used as an escape and how you dealt with that.

Related post: The Marriage Road: Keeping Your Eye on the Road